


ain’t afraid to die

by kairometal



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Dark Fantasy, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Masochism, Master/Slave, Sadism, Self-Harm, Tragic Romance, attempting to write violence kinda, krcube die, kyo and kaoru antagonists oop, macabre dir en grey i think, maybe multiple deaths, maybe smut who knows, sadomasochistic shinya sorry, suicidal dir en grey aha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25571833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kairometal/pseuds/kairometal
Summary: in a world where death isn’t temporary, and where human connections create immortality..."tell me, andou,are you afraid to die?"the question seemed to have echoed through the train station as kaoru spoke the words in a firm voice, bringing great importance to it for some reason.die grinned, before boldly muttering two words between gritted teeth in response."fuck. you."
Relationships: Die/Shinya (Dir en grey), Die/Shinya/Toshiya (Dir en grey), Die/Toshiya (Dir en grey), Kaoru/Kyo (Dir en grey), Kaoru/Shinya (Dir en grey)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	1. curiosity killed the cat

**Author's Note:**

> my first non-kpop fic and it’s for my favorite band in the whole world WOOOO!! hope you enjoy and please comment if you do, it would mean the world !
> 
> twt: dirt_toshiya  
> curiouscat: kiritomayu

if toshiya could describe himself with one word it would be...'a double bass.' 

he was aware it was three words, he was just awfully bad at following along with his thoughts. he never followed along with anything he had done in his life really, yet he still believed he was metaphorically, a double bass—an inanimate object that just happened to make sounds and nothing else. 

toshiya had a big personality that was too much for anyone to handle. people would first assume he was just some dull, slender boy, who used his long raven hair to hide his secrets; but if anyone gave him the time of day, he'd immediately talk up a storm. he was someone who exceeded people's judgment, and they did not like that whatsoever. 

he was tall like a double bass, and he was similar to the instrument when he opened his mouth too. the rhythm in his speech never faltered, his tone was low but very consistent—too consistent, and for the most part, quick paced, like a double bass playing at allegro or presto. 

there were some differences that toshiya couldn't overlook though. a double bass was an instrument meant to support its orchestra; at first glance, toshiya was someone no one would ever feel the need to approach. he never had someone to support. a double bass was an instrument needed to keep the piece moving, while toshiya was someone who hardly felt the need to keep moving...what was the thing he needed to move? 

his own existence. 

he was terrible at existing. he wondered, how was he like a double bass, if he had nothing to carry in life? that depressing question lingered in his mind everyday, for almost all of his twenty three years of living. 

again, what did he need to carry? 

_this stupid fucking song._

the blending sounds of string instruments that begged for attention from toshiya's ears all faltered to silence. he didn't like silence, so he looked up to see why the orchestra stopped. 

all eyes were on him. he simply eyed everyone back innocently, no shame in the countless of times he had been daydreaming in the past hour. 

the conductor sneered at toshiya with immediate disgust. "do you know your job as a double bass player is, mr. hara?" 

_living._

"withstanding a whole page of rests, ma’am." toshiya responded with a smirk. some of the viola players at the second row supported his joke by giggling softly. 

the conductor was not amused, she rolled her eyes. "maintaining posture and pretending you care, actually." 

toshiya was slouching horribly over his instrument, practically draping over it. he didn't think it was too disrespectful, they were only practicing, after all. most of the bass and rhythm came from the tubas during this piece anyway...and if he had to be even more honest, he didn't even want to be there at all. 

it was just a community orchestra made by the city, nothing special. _god, what the fuck am i doing here..._

toshiya blew his hair out of his face, continuing to hug his bass as if it was a pillow he cuddled with at night...like the lonely boy he was. 

there was no point calling toshiya out for anything because he was never ashamed about his lousy behavior, and the conductor seemed to have finally realized that. she let out a long sigh, then turned to her right, hovering over the violin section. 

"this piece doesn't need that much attention from the bass anyway, because the violin solo is the important part." 

toshiya disagreed wholeheartedly. the bass was _too sexy_ to bury, but he was sure the conductor would dart her baton at him if he said that out loud. 

"now i'd like the concertmaster to showcase his solo for a moment, to remind the rest of us what the main story of the piece is." the conductor smiled sweetly, instantly changing her mood as she looked down at the boy in the first seat. "shinya, could you please play for us?" 

the concertmaster stood up in silence. he was rather frail at first sight but his posture was polite and stern, no one would have assumed how shy he actually was. as shinya stood up straight, so did toshiya, because he had always been intrigued by that boy. 

without hesitation, the delicately framed violinist made his first stroke with a steady vibrato. he continued to play his solo, not once looking at his music, as toshiya drowned in his thoughts. that seemed to be shinya's power for some reason, he always washed over toshiya with his gentle-playing, like a small wave reaching the shore and glossing over the shells in its way. 

shinya subtly flipped his long bronze hair as he made big yet graceful motions with every stroke of the bow. toshiya had known the boy for two years since the city orchestra was founded, and since then shinya had always been the concertmaster. his playing was effortlessly more experienced than the other violinists, and they didn't even try to dethrone the boy anyway. shinya was always in the first seat at the front row, while toshiya was always standing in the back row. 

the bassist didn't downgrade himself too much though, he was aware both him and shinya played an important part in the orchestra and in the stories told through music. 

but aside from the orchestra, toshiya was a walking corpse. 

as the concertmaster slowly reached his last measure of a lingering whole note, toshiya lingered with one last thought. 

he wondered if shinya felt just as important in life, as he did on stage. was he the lead in his own life? once he finished his solo, the rest of the players clapped respectfully and showered him with smiles. shinya simply nodded at them as if he was royalty. again, was he the lead in his own life? 

_he had to be._

at the end of practice, everyone rushed out of the auditorium and into the busy city. toshiya never took his double bass with him because he never cared to practice anyway, and he preferred walking home without a broken back. as he exited the building, he decided to grab a drink at the coffee shop next door. 

right as he entered the shop, he noticed a familiar feminine boy at the counter, with a magenta leather violin case strapped at his back. toshiya didn't realize shinya even walked out ahead of him but he immediately felt like it was fate. after two years of existing in the same space, he was going to attempt to befriend the concertmaster. 

toshiya walked up to the counter, right beside shinya. no reaction. the tall bassist stood awfully close to the violinist, yet he didn't even move one bit. shinya seemed to be daydreaming, staring straight ahead with his eyelids closed halfway. 

_geez, he definitely needs a coffee._ toshiya smirked, as he called out to the barista. 

the barista looked at toshiya with a confused look on his face. "uh sorry dude, you're not next in line." 

"i know." toshiya looked over at shinya, and with no sense of personal space, he patted shinya firmly on the shoulder. "i'd like to pay for whatever he's ordering." 

shinya woke up from his trance, and glanced up at toshiya. he didn't seem confused though, he simply looked at him as if merely acknowledging his existence. then the violinist turned to the barista and muttered a small sentence. 

"iced caramel macchiato and green tea." 

this was when the bassist had realized he had never heard shinya speak before and his voice was very...unexpected. his tone seemed more monotone than toshiya would have thought. he expected him to sound like his violin, more light and smooth, but it was almost robotic. 

toshiya ordered a hot chocolate right after shinya spoke. 

as they waited for their drinks by the entrance of the shop, toshiya sought to get at least one conversation out of the soft-spoken boy. he opened his mouth to speak but shinya beat him to it and took initiative to his surprise. 

"i don't know why you paid for me, but i am not interested in you. sorry." shinya stared out the window, giving the bassist the cold shoulder without hesitation. 

the sudden jab truly shocked toshiya, he bursted out laughing. it was rare for the boy to take offense in anything, instead he found desensitizing through laughter was more fitting, especially at the current assumption that he was hitting on shinya. he wondered if shinya normally had people buy him drinks, and he didn't doubt it considering how attractive and sophisticated the violinist was. 

"gah! it's not like that—" toshiya scratched the back of his head. he leaned forward to meet shinya's eye level since he was taller than him by a couple of inches. "do you even know who i am?" 

shinya looked at the bassist with a blank stare, not seeming to mind how obnxiously close the boy was to his face. he pursed his lips stained with a dark magenta tint and he shook his head. 

toshiya posed a peace sign over his eye and winked. "the conductor's favorite student." 

shinya was not amused, no one was ever amused at toshiya's expressive energy, but he did mumble a response immediately. "oh. you're the double bass." 

“wow, that was easy! seems like the concertmaster isn't such an elitist, after all." toshiya joked. 

players in the back row would always talk shit about the front row and how they never acknowledged who the foundation of their melody was. it was especially apparent whenever shinya would play his solos at his own tempo rather than toshiya's or the other bass players. excluding that, shinya was an amazing violinist, he danced to his own beat so beautifully that no one really cared when he made errors. 

shinya crossed his arms and averted his eyes once again. he seemed offended but not enough to disagree and the bassist thought it was cute how careless he was. 

"you're the only guy other than me who has long hair. that's how i remember." 

...except shinya's shiny bronze hair seemed intentionally kept, while toshiya had no motivation to cut his if he wanted to. he didn't really care for his own appearance and would often tie it into a low ponytail. shinya kept his cascaded over his shoulders and sometimes it was even curled. 

he was surprised shinya would even bring up his hair, implying that he had observed toshiya's appearance at least once before. he was tempted to tease the boy, but he simply smirked instead. he didn't want to annoy him _too_ much. "wow! seems like we got a lot in common, don't we?" 

shinya blatantly side-eyed the bassist. _i annoyed him too much._

the bassist was about to redeem himself but before he could, the barista called his name from the pick-up counter. shinya immediately made his way to collect his drinks with no intentions of acknowledging toshiya's peculiar response. the bassist found himself following right behind the violinist after grabbing his own drink, with a strange sense of determination. he was immensely bored...and lonely. 

they both walked out of the shop. shinya seemed to be aware toshiya was still at his side, but he didn't bother to say a word. 

"so where ya heading?" toshiya spoke up as he carefully dodged passerbys plowing through him on the small sidewalk they were on. 

"station." shinya muttered. he took a small sip of his iced macchiato, in a timid way a hamster would. 

"what-really? is that how you get home?" toshiya cocked his head to the side. he took a swig of his hot chocolate, letting it burn his tongue a little. "i'd expect you to get home in like, a limo or something." 

for so long toshiya had an image of shinya being wealthy, especially because he always wore clothes that looked extremely expensive. the outfit he had on at the moment was rather skimpy and tight; he wore a magenta faux fur coat draped over a black leather sleeveless top and matching leather shorts. he always stomped around in leather knee-high boots too, which gave everyone the impression he was not someone to mess with. toshiya would kill to wear an outfit like that, but he was a poor bastard, sporting an old band tee, tight skinny jeans, and ripped tennis shoes. 

shinya stifled a soft chuckle, _a reaction!_ his drinks slightly shook in his hands. that was when the bassist realized shinya ordered two drinks, he wondered who the other one was for. 

"i fucking wish." shinya responsed with a thin smile. _a cuss word and a smile!_ it was a genuine reaction, which was sadly something toshiya naturally had to judge. 

if anything, toshiya was the one who should be taking the train, not a fancy boy like shinya. but then again, if he was so wealthy, he would be playing in a prestigious orchestra, not one made by the city for people who were interested in music, but weren’t good enough to professional study it. toshiya grew more and more curious. 

and he wasn't afraid to show it. 

"i'll hop along." toshiya spoke up with a grin, baring his snaggleteeth to make himself look even cuter...his snaggleteeth were his secret weapon. 

the adorable grin didn’t charm the violinist like toshiya anticipated. 

instantly, shinya's smile was wiped from his gentle face, and he looked toshiya straight in the eyes. toshiya wasn't sure how to read the expression on his face properly. he seemed nervous, he seemed...scared. 

"mm, no it's okay." shinya firmly stated, with no wavering in his voice, but he was blinking rapidly. 

toshiya wondered if he was being a little too forward now, he didn't want the violinist to feel uncomfortable, but the boy was horrible at showing concern. he snickered. "geez, do you not want anyone to see you with a mess like me?" 

shinya’s eyes stopped fluttering, but he looked away before toshiya could notice fully. maybe the concern wasn't about him, it had to be something else. 

the concertmaster mumbled. "yes. sure." 

they were about to turn the corner of the street, and that's when shinya decided to speak one last time. 

he looked straight ahead and cleared his throat. "thank you for the drinks. see you at the next rehearsal." 

the violinist didn't even give the basisst time to reply, because he began to walk faster ahead. 

"wait what the fuck—wait up!" toshiya decided to chase after the boy. for what? he wasn't sure...he felt like he needed to. maybe this was why toshiya failed to make friends throughout his whole life, because he clung to people way too quickly. but it wasn't just that though, toshiya felt very drawn to shinya in a way that wasn't by the bassist's own desire. he felt his body chase after shinya before his mind did. 

the sidewalk was still awfully crowded with people, but toshiya managed to eye shinya thanks to his pink fur coat. 

he was only a few feet away, but shinya veered off the corner, and toshiya powered right through. once the tall boy took the sharp turn, he instantly collided with someone standing right at the turn for no reason. 

the hot chocolate in toshiya's hand completely splashed all over the guy's chest. it got onto toshiya's hand too and it burned him immensely. 

"oh my fucking god- i'm so sorry!" toshiya exclaimed, waving his burnt hand frantically. 

he was panicking because there was steam rising from the guy's chest, all over his black turtleneck and even on the expensive-looking black trench coat he wore over it. toshiya grabbed the napkins from his pockets and patted the guy's chest, bowing his head down because like always, toshiya was too tall. he pressed the napkins against the guy's clothes and he laughed in response. 

toshiya was immediately bewildered as to why the man was laughing while he was literally burning in hot chocolate. he cautiously looked up. 

the boy toshiya spilled his drink on was indeed a stranger, but a rare sight to say the least. it wasn't just the bright long purple hair that called to toshiya's attention, but mostly the black laced blindfold that was covered over his eyes. he had his arms behind his back and his head tilted to the side, as he patiently let toshiya hold his chest. 

_oh god, i'm burning a blind guy._

"oh fuck—i'm so sorry dude!" toshiya apologized once again, as he continued to pat the man's chest with more pressure. 

the blind boy swiftly grabbed toshiya's wrist this time to stop him. he started smiling. his lips were thin and his cheeks were sunken, making his cheekbones look sharper than they already were. he looked extremely famished and exhausted for someone so young, toshiya assumed he was at least a couple of years older than him. 

"you're all good, _dude_. doesn't hurt one bit." his voice was mellow and smooth, there was no sign of irritation. the bassist couldn’t help being intimidated though, especially with how tight the blind boy’s grip was around his wrist. it was like he was passive-aggressively scolding a kid. 

"r-really?" toshiya stuttered. he was staring at his own hand that was already scorching red. the pain was very much there and he hardly hid it well. the purple-haired boy didn't even wince. toshiya was beyond confused. 

"mhm." the boy nodded slowly, almost creepily. "let's go, shinya." 

toshiya was even more startled at the mention of the violinist's name and that's when he noticed shinya was right beside the man in the coat. shinya's head was bowed down, and his hands were clutching onto his own chest. toshiya could see him pursing his lips very tightly...as if he was in pain. 

before the bassist could say anything else, the purple-haired boy put his arm around shinya's shoulders and began to walk away with him. he had the green tea shinya ordered in his other hand, and he casually took a sip of it. toshiya took a look at the ground. next to the puddle of hot chocolate was shinya's iced macchiato splattered all over the ground too. _did he drop it just to hold his own chest?_

toshiya let them walk a couple of feet ahead of him before he could even register another thought. he let questions bombard his mind. _why was shinya with that blind dude?_ he appeared out of nowhere like a bodyguard of some sort, wearing a black gothic trench coat as if constricting his identity, as well as his subtle protectiveness over shinya. _or maybe they were together? and even weirder...why wasn't he in pain after getting hot chocolate spilled all over him?_ it even seemed like shinya was more hurt than the purple-haired man was. 

and just like what he felt at the coffee shop, the basisst was drawn to follow shinya. a sudden thought came into his mind...a violin always needed support from a double bass. _whatever the fuck that meant._

toshiya managed to fight the current of people that swam through him, and he made his way down the steps of the train station entrance. the station was always filled with people, but it seemed more packed now, especially since everyone was frantically trying to exit. toshiya could see the looks on their faces and they were all very panicked. 

he put his hand on the shoulder of a stranger pushing passed him. "you alright, man?" 

the man jumped at toshiya's touch, and when he turned to the boy, his eyes were extremely widened. "no, some random dude just showed up at the platform with a gun!" 

_well that sounds fun._

and without a second to waste, the man continued rushing out. a logical person would have followed, but toshiya was the most illogical person one could meet. he continued his journey into the station. weird things were happening, and curiosity was clawing inside him...it could honestly kill him. 

plus, he wanted to make sure shinya and the blind boy weren't in danger if they still entered the station. if they weren't there, then toshiya was still going to see what was going on. he loved doing that his whole life...putting himself at risk. 

_i have nothing to lose._

toshiya climbed down the last steps leading to the main platform of the train station. at this point, the platform looked empty. but before toshiya could make another move, a loud bang echoed through the tunnels. screams followed right after. 

two schoolgirls came out from behind one of the walls dividing the platform. they didn't make any eye contact with toshiya and ran passed him with tears streaming down their faces. the gunshot pierced through toshiya's ears so he assumed the gunman must have been only a few feet away. 

the bassist hid behind the nearest wall, crouched down. he slowly peeked over and could see more than one person standing near the edge of where the tunnel was...and in front of him were two familiar faces. 

the one he could see most was the frail concertmaster sitting cross-legged against the main wall of the station, opposite of the tunnel. shinya didn't look distressed whatsoever, in fact, he looked the least distressed. he had his violin in his hand, and he was _practicing_. only a few notes were played and toshiya could already tell that he was playing his solo. 

toshiya stared at him in disbelief. then there was another gunshot that made him jump. shinya merely stopped playing for a second, with a look of pure emptiness as if he was just simply interrupted by someone coughing in a crowd rather than a gun firing. then he continued playing. 

toshiya peeked his head out even further to see who was even shooting, and it seemed to be the third person who he'd never seen before. 

the stranger stood at the opposite side of shinya, with his back to the tunnel. shinya's blind friend stood right at the center, and as if things weren't already peculiar about him, the boy was now holding a katana. 

"give it up, die." the blindfolded boy had his arm bent over his shoulder, holding the sword that he hid behind his back. the blade of the katana was an iridescent purple and it was pretty badass, toshiya had to admit... 

despite the fact that he brought a literal sword to a gunfight... _what the fuck is that supposed to do?_

the person who was named die, cocked his gun and aimed straight at the blind boy. toshiya couldn't see him too clearly but he definitely noticed die's short, bright red hair that messily veiled over his face. he wore sunglasses too so his face was pretty much obscured. toshiya wondered why both men were in such disguises, as if they were secret agents from an action movie. 

"never." die simply spoke back with a surprisingly enthusiastic timbre to his voice. he smirked. "you're a thief, kaoru, and i want what's mine." 

_so kaoru was the bad guy in this situation?_ they both held weapons in their hands, and crazy attitudes, so toshiya didn’t want to assume yet. 

shinya's playing stopped momentarily. toshiya noticed the violinist rolling his eyes at die, before playing once more. this was the second time he had played his solo. 

the purple haired boy, named kaoru, cocked his head to the side. "don't you mean 'who,’ silly?" 

there a quick second of silence, as if the gunman realized his mistake. the dispute appeared to be over someone that kaoru 'took' from die... _but through a gun and sword fight?_ toshiya was shamefully entertained. 

"o-oh like you ever fucking cared!" die immediately snapped. the enthusiastic tone in his voice immediately turned more aggressive, it took toshiya by surprise. 

die opened fire once more, and the bassist jumped again, clumsily hitting his head against the wall. he heard the sound of metal clashing with metal, and from the looks of it, kaoru brought his katana down right when die fired. he blocked the bullet with his sword. 

toshiya began to question if the boy was actually blind or not but either way...how was blocking a bullet that fast even possible? 

that was when toshiya realized the whole situation was outrageous. it was like a scene from a ridiculously cheesy action movie. he remembered the reason why he was here in the first place...it was because he was drawn to shinya. he didn't know what his heart was telling him to do, but he decided to start by ensuring shinya's safety. 

"you can't dodge me forever!" die exclaimed as if he was excited to fight kaoru. and just like that, the redhead began to fire at him again, but this time, with multiple shots. 

toshiya took the opportunity to get shinya's attention. he grabbed a ripped page of a newspaper off the floor, crumpled it, and chucked it at shinya. it hit his knee, and thankfully he noticed. 

once the concertmaster locked eyes with toshiya, one of his eyebrows perked up. 

toshiya mouthed the words 'GET OUT,' motioning towards the exit. he didn't understand why the boy was just sitting there while two maniacs were fighting. he was especially weird for playing his violin, toshiya was surprised kaoru and die weren’t bothered by it. either way, he didn't want shinya to get shot, even if he wasn’t the one being targeted. 

shinya instantly understood what toshiya said, but to the bassist's surprise, shinya shook his head slowly. he simply refused. 

toshiya gaped at him. 'WHY?' 

shinya only had one second to stare at toshiya, before something abruptly hit his shoulder and he yelped. 

toshiya instantly stood up, but he still stayed hidden behind the wall. he wasn't sure if the violinist got shot or not, because he heard the gunshot but he didn't see any bullet. that was when he decided to look over at kaoru, who also had his hand on his own shoulder. 

he wasn't in pain like shinya was though. the purple haired boy cooly dug into his shoulder with two fingers and...he fished out a bullet. 

die groaned. "oh fuck—shinya, are you okay?" 

he was asking shamefully as if he just made a simple mistake rather than shooting someone. 

_why the fuck did he ask shinya if he was okay, when kaoru was the one who got shot? why was shinya even in pain?_ toshiya was in complete confusion...but then he remembered what happened moments ago. when he spilled his scorching drink all over kaoru, shinya was the one who got hurt. _was this witchcraft?_

shinya didn't even try to respond to die, he just gave him a very cold glare. he propped his violin up once more and continued playing. his solo was meant to be slow, but shinya was playing it at a faster tempo with subtle anger, the double bass player inside toshiya was shaking his head. although, shinya's arm was moving normally, there was no wound on his shoulder. he got over the pain in seconds. 

kaoru replied for the concertmaster instead, with a condescending chuckle. "you're still so stupid. did you forget how this all works? you can't actually hurt me, die." 

right after he said that, kaoru charged at the redhead. die was too occupied looking at shinya that he didn't even have time to react when kaoru striked again with his katana. the sword slashed upwards at die's hand. 

what toshiya saw next made him cover his mouth in shock. kaoru sliced die's hand off. the separated hand still clung onto the gun as it flew off to the other side of the platform. 

die roared loudly, as he instantly hugged his arm into the inside of his navy coat, but it didn't prevent the blood from spraying all over the tiles of the station floor. toshiya had seen even more gruesome scenes than this, unfortunately, so he was merely disgusted at the sight. 

die hunched over in pain as kaoru simply stood in front of him, pointing the sword at his face. 

shinya's solo stopped completely. he dropped his violin. despite being so cold to die, seeing him in pain gave him a raw emotion toshiya was surprised to see...he was immensely concerned. his mouth was agape and his dull eyes were widened. 

"haven't felt that in a long time, huh?" kaoru looked straight passed die, rather than downward towards his face. toshiya still had the impression that he was blind, despite successfully slicing die's hand clean off. the purple haired boy had no remorse either, in fact, he was grinning. 

and so was die, but forcefully through gritted teeth. 

"oh yeah, i sure fucking missed it." he said sarcastically, breathing heavily. the boy was taking the injury more calmly than expected, by now, any other person would have fainted. 

toshiya wanted to intervene so badly. he didn't know die but he couldn't just watch someone murder him, no matter what he did. it seemed like both guys were batshit insane, so the bassist couldn’t even pick a side if he wanted to. he just wanted both of them to stop. 

kaoru was just one feet away from die. one strike and he could probably end him right there. toshiya didn't know what to do but he had to do something quick. 

kaoru tilted his head, with a creepy smile still on his face. the same smile he gave toshiya after he spilled his drink on him. 

"tell me, andou, _are you afraid to die_?" 

the question seemed to have echoed through the train station as kaoru spoke the words in a firm voice, bringing great importance to it for some reason. 

“kaoru..." shinya mumbled but it was too quiet for them to hear. it only reached toshiya somehow. did he want kaoru to stop? if so, it had to be a better reason to intervene...the bassist didn't want this to fuck shinya up. 

the redhead lifted his head up at the blindfolded boy, his hair sticking to his sweaty forehead. toshiya couldn't see the look in his eyes because he still had his sunglasses on, but what he could see was a single tear stream down his face. 

die grinned once again, before he boldly muttered two words, between gritted teeth. 

"fuck. you." 

at that, kaoru casually raised his katana high up to the ceiling, and before toshiya could even think about it, he found himself running towards the two men. 

he jumped inbetween the two, yelling as he faced kaoru. "STOP!" 

kaoru kept his arm raised up, as he cocked his head curiously. 

toshiya cleared his throat, quietly adding. "please." 

kaoru simply stared ahead. "...you are the boy who spilled hot chocolate on me. why are you here?" 

toshiya nervously chuckled at the sight of kaoru's purple sword practically hanging right above him like a guillotine. he wasn't really that scared, he just found the whole situation ridiculous. 

"listen, i don't know what the fuck is happening, but i'm sure this can be solved without violence." 

the bassist quickly glanced down and noticed all the blood rushing out of die's arm, creating a puddle around toshiya’s tennis shoes, they were extremely old anyway. and since die was right behind him, the blood was running down toshiya’s leg too. _gross._

“mm nope. it can't." kaoru simply responded. "he must die." 

without hesitation, the purple haired boy swiftly lowered his sword and positioned it right at toshiya's neck. the bassist instantly tensed up, almost regretting his decision of intervening... _almost_. again, he was not really afraid. 

“and if you are in the way, then you should die too." one side of kaoru's mouth perked up into a smirk. 

“i appreciate the heroism, kid." die muttered behind toshiya. "but if you mind getting slashed to pieces by this motherfucker, then it's best to leave." 

_was kaoru really going to kill me too if i stood in the way?_ for some reason, toshiya still had some doubt, and even so, he still wasn't that scared. he was always getting into trouble with violence. he would voluntarily get into fights when he was in school...and he wasn't new to physical abuse. in other words, toshiya didn't have anything to lose. 

toshiya looked at the tip of the sword and stifled another chuckle. "i actually don't mind." 

kaoru raised one of his eyebrows, with an intrigued look on his face. he didn't like toshiya's response. 

he frowned. "is that so?" 

toshiya dramatically held his chest. "if sacrificing myself will potentially bring justice then i will do so. two dead bodies are more noticeable than one." 

"wow, thanks." die mumbled. 

kaoru snickered. "you're a stupid one. 

toshiya frowned at that condescending reply. he admitted that he was optimistic at inappropriate times, but he'd like to think he was reasonably clever. the crime rate in the city was high, and the care for it was extremely low. 

as if kaoru couldn't smirk even more, he turned his thin smile into a grin. "... _and a depressed one at that._ seems like you and _captain hook_ have more in common than i thought. interesting." 

_depressed?_

at that peculiar observation, die pushed toshiya aside and confronted kaoru. he pointed at him with the hand he had left. he was trembling immensely and was crimson all over. 

"i-if you're thinking what i think you're thinking, s-stop." die barely breathed his words out. 

kaoru shook his head teasingly. "you know you want it, die. how else are you going to live?" 

toshiya didn't even try to comprehend what the blind boy just said, he simply eyed the purple katana that was gently piercing his adam's apple. 

kaoru brought his attention back to toshiya. "you said you didn't mind, hot chocolate boy?" 

“it's toshiya." the bassist casually corrected the swordsman. 

joking around was now over, and he finally realized how serious kaoru was...yet he didn't regret the feeling of indifference he had. _i have nothing to lose._

if toshiya had to be genuinely serious, maybe this situation was the universe telling him he could finally die. he was never fond of _doing it himself_ , he always thought it would happen spontaneously...and he anticipated the moment. for nearly his whole life. 

toshiya simply stared at kaoru with a small smile. 

“and no...i guess i don't mind.” 

die was practically slumped over himself by now, looking up at toshiya with concern, but curiosity. there had to be something going on...it was as if he hoped toshiya wouldn't mind, after all. 

"well then, toshiya," kaoru replied. he pulled his katana out from under toshiya's neck, giving him a few seconds to breathe. "then i hope you wouldn't mind this either." 

toshiya could only see light reflect off the blade for a quick second before it was out of sight. in seconds, he felt his neck grow warm. and wet. blood started spilling from it before the boy realized that kaoru sliced it open with one swipe. his breath was sucked out of him, he let out an intense gasp. 

toshiya realized that this was not how he wanted to die, a very late observation. he felt himself losing balance, slowly stepping backwards. all he could hear was the sound of a train approaching from the beginning of the tunnel, the platform rumbling beneath his feet. the wind rushed passed him, making his hair veil over him. 

die abruptly stood up and to toshiya's surprise, he had his hand wrapped around the bassist's neck, to cover the wound. it wasn't helping though, but die still did it. 

he quickly pulled the bassist closer to him and looked him in the eyes, smiling nervously. toshiya could see his eyes through his tinted glasses, and he looked at him with compassion and near death. from the looks of it, toshiya assumed it wasn’t the first time the stranger had seen someone die, and it gave toshiya comfort instantly. 

“i got a pretty smile, don't i?" die spoke with a sweet tone. 

toshiya didn't think about it, he was too busy dying. nonetheless, he tried to let out a chuckle, but blood filled his mouth and he started choking instead. he heard the blaring horn of the train getting louder and louder. he started to close his eyes. 

before he shut them completely though, die said one last thing. 

"you'll be okay...mind the push." 

and with that, die enveloped his arms around toshiya, forcing him into a hug...and together they jumped off the platform. the train caught them immediately, and indeed toshiya felt the push of the train as they got hit with immense force. 

right after the moment, toshiya could no longer see or hear anything. he could only feel the slight warmth of die's embrace.


	2. the heart and soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **toshiya**   
>  _the one who wandered aimlessly in life without a purpose, waiting for death to welcome him. but with death not being the final step like he anticipated, was he now forced to find a purpose?_

once the train collided with toshiya, he instantly blacked out, with the lingering feeling of die still embracing him. 

he didn't expect to be so conscious after death, yet he was aware that everything was dark and silent. he was thinking about kaoru nearly cutting his head off without hesitation and he wondered how shinya reacted to it, if he even cared. he thought about die, a complete stranger, covering his wound trying to keep him alive before pushing both of them off the platform, negating the whole gesture. all this pondering, yet he still couldn't see or hear a thing. _if death was just being in your thoughts forever and reliving the moments before everything went black, then what was the fucking point?_

or maybe he wasn't dead. 

toshiya expected death to be lonely and empty. he anticipated _nothingness_ , yet he sensed a presence with him. he felt the presence touch his hand, or what toshiya assumed was his hand. he didn't feel like he had a body at all, he felt more like a floating spirit in a lucid dream. the presence intertwined its hand with toshiya's, which caught him by surprise because he had never held someone's hand before. he slowly gave in and held tight, and as soon as they locked hands, toshiya felt wind rush through him. 

the surface he was on gave way, as if he was falling from the sky, with the presence still at his side. once toshiya felt the hand grip tighter, he crashed straight to the ground. 

oxygen rushed back into his system and he instantly started hyperventilating. his eyes sprung open, letting the sunshine blind him. he wanted to cover his face, but he could hardly even move. 

"what-what the fuck?" toshiya croaked. his throat felt scratchy and sore, as if he had screamed the life out of him. 

the panicked boy laid on his back and darted his eyes from side-to-side almost in panic. he had never been paralyzed before, and had always feared not being able to move. a few seconds later, he managed to calm himself down, realizing he wasn't in any danger. he got the feeling in his hands back again and began to grab anything surrounding him. he could only clutch handfuls of gravel and dirt. 

"oh god, what the fuck." toshiya groaned in frustration. he started feeling anxious, concluding that he was laying on the ground in the middle of nowhere. "hello, is anyone there? HELLO?" 

toshiya yelled louder, straining his voice even more. instantly, he heard the sound of someone shuffling gravel beneath their feet. 

"hey, you're awake!" 

toshiya immediately recognized the enthusiastic tone in the boy's voice, despite it being quite new to his ears. 

the face of a redhead came into view above toshiya, conveniently blocking the sun. he was standing right over toshiya's body, bent down to meet his face. die wasn't wearing his sunglasses, so toshiya wasn't just greeted with a huge grin, but wild eyes too. 

"what the fuck?" toshiya cursed for the third time. it took most of his strength to pull himself up, and he managed to do so, head-butting die in the process. the impact brought toshiya right back down, as die yelped grabbing his head dramatically. 

"chill out! i can still feel pain, goddamnit..." he groaned. 

toshiya couldn't comprehend his statement, he couldn't comprehend _anything_ at the moment because he was panicked. his first instinct was to focus on his immobility. 

toshiya sighed, staring at die intensely. "why can't i move my legs?" 

die chuckled at the question, smiling with his tongue in his cheek. "you...you don't wanna know." 

the redhead wasn't taking toshiya's distress seriously, and it made him even more anxious. even if the situation was funny to die, it wasn't to toshiya. it would've been funny if _he_ wasn't the one who was oblivious. 

he instantly lifted his head up. "w-what? yes i do!" 

toshiya managed to fully sit up, and this time die dodged his bobbing head. toshiya looked between die's long legs, where the rest of his body was... 

or where some of it was, at least. 

toshiya's left leg was completely gone, ending right above the knee, and jagged, like it had been sawed off. his right leg was twisted the other way, bent at a ninety-degree angle and his jeans were drenched in his own blood. half of his torso was ripped to shreds, exposing most of his rib cage, and his shirt was merely just a rag on his chest. 

all toshiya could do was let out a horrified whimper, letting his eyes roll back into his head as he collapsed once more. but before he could hit the ground again, die quickly caught his head in his hand. die's hand was warm under the boy's head, immediately heating it up somehow. 

"hey! oh fuck-okay, your name's toshiya, right?" die's voice was muffled, as toshiya's ears started to ring loudly. 

he kept his eyes closed, it seemed harder to open them now. he couldn't fathom looking at anything, after the monstrosity of what his body looked like. sure, he was completely okay with seeing blood and gore, but the fact that he was the one all fucked up, made him change his mind completely. 

"toshiya, look at me." 

the ringing stopped abruptly and the sound of die's voice was clearer now, louder than the tympanic pounding of toshiya's heartbeat. his voice was rough, but comforting enough to pull toshiya out from his short moment of shock. 

the boy's eyes fluttered open again, and he was welcomed to die's manic grin, again. toshiya frowned. 

"how the fuck am i still alive!" he finally bursted, with the only question that mattered. he looked down at the bottom half of his body, his head still in die's hand. "oh god—my LEG IS GONE. WHERE'S MY LEG?" 

"TOSHIYA. look at me! you're okay!" die laughed at toshiya's explosive energy, he seemed to like it quite a lot. he caught toshiya's attention, once again. he couldn't believe die's lack of concern for the situation. 

"i'm...i'm not okay. i should be dead. i am dying." toshiya mumbled. his anxiety was off the roof, he didn't know how to act. "help me, please." 

die's wild grin tuned down into a simple smile. "sweetie, you can't even feel a thing. _you can't feel anything._ " 

toshiya's heart seemed to stop at that moment. he realized that this whole moment of panic was for nothing, because he had really felt nothing, _physically_. in fact, now that he gave himself more time to think, he felt numb. he felt mysteriously numb, and it wasn't out of shock...he felt like he wasn't intact with his body at all. 

toshiya focused on die's eyes for another second. he saw auburn fire dancing in them, and he felt his warmth gaze resonate through him. all he could think about was how safe he felt close to die, even though they were just strangers. _god, am i really this emotionally vulnerable?_

toshiya forced himself to focus back to the real situation at hand and looked down at his body again. to his genuine surprise, his left leg was back, bare without denim, and his right leg was completely straightened out. there were no longer bones exposed at his abdomen, his stomach was bare and completely unharmed. 

he let out a sigh of relief. "so i'm alive?" 

"mm, well..." die began to hum with hesitation. "i said you were _okay_." 

toshiya finally had the strength to support himself by planting his hands on the ground. die swiftly let go, taking the comforting warmth with him. 

"what's that supposed to mean?" toshiya muttered as he patted himself down warily. he truly felt like his whole body was back intact, but he still didn't feel like himself. 

die plopped down beside toshiya, cross-legged. 

"it means you're not alive, but you're okay." die simply replied. 

he reached into one of his coat pockets and pulled out a cigarette and a lighter. he started smoking. toshiya barely realized that die looked perfectly fine throughout their whole interaction. his clothes were in perfect condition...even the hand that kaoru cut off was back. _didn't he jump in front of the train too?_

"i'm...not alive?" toshiya eyed die as the redhead puffed out a big stream of smoke. "so i'm dead." 

"somewhat, or maybe both." die responded with the tobacco stick stuck between his thin lips. he smirked. "kinda like a zombie." 

_that's kinda...cool?_ toshiya tried his best to understand everything in a calm way, like how die was acting. 

"are you a zombie too?" toshiya muttered. 

die chuckled. "oh, no! _i'm_ actually alive, thanks to you." die glanced at toshiya, and the expression on the boy's face amused him. "and you are _okay_ , thanks to me!" 

toshiya didn't think he'd meet someone more irritating than he was, and it baffled him, staring at the redhead laughing his ass off. 

die was extraordinarily great at avoiding toshiya's questions. they had been sitting at the side of the train tracks on the outskirts of the city for about an hour. and within that hour, there was little to no information toshiya got out of the redheaded smoker. 

they died yesterday, after die pulled toshiya to the front of a moving train. they basically exploded into pieces and 'magically appeared' miles away from the site of the incident, according to die's loose explanation. die 'came to' early in the morning and waited for toshiya to be revived until noon. and now, they were here, simply staring at the ground trying to get their brains stitched back together. their bodies were fully intact now, they just had to wait for their systems and organs to fully function again. 

"so if you didn't save me back there, i would have died?" toshiya asked his hundredth question, after being ignored with the other ones. he noticed that die would only answer yes or no questions, probably because his brain was not registering everything yet. 

"yup. i would have died too, by the way, thanks to the grapehead bastard." die growled. he blew another puff of smoke and shook his head. "i'll admit it was a perfect opportunity though...he sure knows how to play with death." 

_yeah, because playing with death is totally not wrong._ toshiya rubbed his forehead stressfully, his mind was all over the place. "but i don't understand. i was brought back to life, but i'm not alive? what's the catch?" 

the whole thing was outrageous, but surely, toshiya couldn't have just been given a second life because die saved him. miracles and good luck were rare in toshiya's life. 

die glanced at the boy and snickered mischievously. "oh, you wanna know the catch?" 

the redhead held his cigarette between his first finger and thumb. "here's the catch." 

die turned his hand over and without hesitation, he pressed the butt of his cigarette straight into his palm. immediately, toshiya could feel _his_ hand burn intensely at the center. 

"ow! what the fuck?" he yelped. he grabbed his wounded hand and looked down at it. there was nothing wrong with it at all, yet he felt the burning sensation so intensely. he looked over at die who still had his own palm faced upwards. there was a deep red hole etched into his skin where he burned himself, but he didn't react to it whatsoever. _i think i get it now._

toshiya glared at die, snatching the cigarette from the giggling boy's hand. he jabbed it at die's cheek...which was a dumb idea. toshiya dropped the cigarette and instantly reached for his own cheek, feeling it burn up. 

"OW!" 

_i don't get it._ he thought die would feel it if _he_ inflicted the pain onto him, but either way, toshiya was taking both of theirs. 

die started laughing even more, as toshiya begrudgingly rubbed both his face and hand. then the smoker stopped moments later and pouted, grabbing at his own face where another red circle was burned into it now. "ah wait fuck, i forgot i still get the wound. my precious face..." 

he patted it softly as toshiya frowned at him. _yeah go tend to your face while i have to endure all the pain._

once the redhead let go of his face, toshiya noticed the burnt hole disappeared. before he knew it, the pain from both his hand and his cheek was gone too. _i'm basically his punching bag._

toshiya started to feel overwhelmed. he didn't like the idea of taking someone's pain, much less a stranger's pain, all because he let kaoru kill him. the purpose of his 'second life' was to take die's suffering, and nothing else. there had to be something else he could 'live' for, even though he was he had never had a purpose when he was actually alive. but now that death wasn't the last step, what was next? 

die noticed the solemn look on the other boy's face. he sighed. "it's fucked up, isn't it?" 

it was more than "fucked up." it was supernatural, it was unorthodox...yet toshiya started to become more intrigued. he could care less about the scientific reasoning behind the phenomenon, he was curious about the lore. he didn't respond at all though, which was odd for the boy since he was always talkative. he felt it was best to stay silent and consider die's view on it first. 

die spoke up once again, finally giving toshiya the deeper explanation he wanted an hour ago. the redhead seemed to be fully conscious now. "i call it _the pledge_ , an unspoken oath we take during death to combine our lifelines into one." 

the fact that die had a name for the phenomenon made it seem like he was more knowledgeable than toshiya expected. it didn't make him more reliable though. 

"w-what?" toshiya scoffed. "i didn't pledge shit." 

"oh you did." die quickly replied. he propped his elbow on his knee and rested his chin on his hand, staring at toshiya curiously. "you accepted my hand...very easily, might i add." 

the redhead further explained, through careless mumbles, that toshiya specifically accepted die's _soul_ just before he got revived. the presence the boy felt in the darkness, was die's soul, reaching for toshiya's. when he felt their hands intertwining, it represented their souls combining into one. in other words, _toshiya was die's soul._ die also mentioned that he was toshiya's _heart_ , but he didn't explain further, as if it wasn't really that important. 

the whole concept was a bit too cheesy for toshiya, he naturally blushed. he couldn't help it, being someone who lacked human affection and connection for all his life. _but a connection through death? a whole fantasy._ he was intrigued. he wasn't spiritual whatsoever, he didn't have any beliefs about _anything_. it didn't hurt to start believing in something now... _okay, it'll hurt, but it'll be fun, hopefully._

toshiya shyly averted his eyes away from the redhead, smiling just a bit. die noticed his sudden change of energy, and he scoffed. 

"i wouldn't have offered if i wasn't bleeding to death, by the way." it seemed that die was not trying to woo toshiya at all, to which the boy turned his smile upside down. _just a fantasy._

die stood up, brushing the dirt off of his coat. "i decided to revive myself because i have a mission. you're unfortunately a part of it now." 

toshiya stayed sitting on the ground. he was afraid his new legs would give away if he got up abruptly. 

he looked up at die. "what mission?" 

"it was probably obvious." die casually stretched his arms towards the sky, exposing his thin torso since he wore a cropped leather corset under his coat, with matching low-rise leather pants. toshiya wasn't expecting that kind of get up from die, but he thought he looked good. the next thing die said caught him off guard. 

"i want to kill kaoru. i want to kill him to save shinya." 

it was so sudden and dramatic, toshiya had to giggle. "to save shinya? why?" 

die stopped stretching and let his arms go limp at his sides. he squinted at toshiya defensively. 

"because we're together, duh." he answered in such a sassy tone, yet toshiya sensed he was very serious. he didn't care though, it was still funny. 

"really? didn't seem like he liked you at all." toshiya recalled the pure coldness shinya had towards him during die's fight against kaoru, even though he was concerned for a moment when die's hand was cut off. there was still no sign of any attraction towards the redhead though. if anything, the connection with the grapehead made more sense. 

toshiya tilted his head to the side and added. "i thought he was with kaoru." 

the redhead scoffed immediately. "over my dead body." 

toshiya smirked. "well..." 

"ha ha ha. yeah okay, it was literally over my dead body." die rolled his eyes, but he couldn't help but smirk back too. it was interesting how okay he was with joking around. "well it's not gonna happen again, and they're not together like that. all you need to know is: kaoru does not deserve to be shinya's heart. _he deserves to die_." 

his mood changed once again, as if fuel was suddenly added to the fire, practically causing sparks to fly out of his mouth. die seemed easily aggressive and it fascinated toshiya a lot, considering he was almost the exact opposite. 

and the fact that kaoru was shinya's heart definitely made their interactions clearer. it made toshiya pity shinya even more, during the times kaoru carelessly let shinya take in all his pain, from the hot chocolate spill to the gunshot. saving him didn't seem like such a ridiculous idea. 

"but do you _have_ to kill kaoru to save shinya?" toshiya asked, rubbing the back of his neck. 

"mm, i think so?" die responded thoughtfully, then he shrugged his shoulders. "i actually don't know how the shit works, really, i just want kaoru dead." 

_okay, a little dumb...and crazy._ toshiya concluded, looking at how casual die was actually plotting murder. toshiya didn't blame him too much though, since kaoru had no problem killing him. the boy didn't feel like he needed revenge though, he was just curious as to why 'the pledge' even existed. maybe he'd see this as the next step. 

"then i guess i'll hop along for the ride." toshiya responded with an encouraging toothy smile. die looked down at the boy and chuckled. 

"well, ya kinda have to. you're tied to me now." die reminded the soul. "now, let's get you some new clothes. i know a place." 

toshiya looked down at what was left of his outfit. it looked like he had been attacked by a bear. 

he cautiously stood up, subtly stumbling while wiping the blood off his hands with his ripped shirt. "um, well i know a place too...my closet." 

"ah, your home? nonexistent. you're dead to the people you know now." die casually swatted the air, as toshiya gaped at him with surprise. "unless you want a new identity but that takes too long to manifest. also, your fashion's horrifying." 

toshiya closed his mouth seconds later, realizing there was no point in acting devastated. he had no one in his life who would have cared, except his landlord who was probably relieved she wouldn't have to nag toshiya about paying the rent anymore. toshiya looked at die's obscure outfit and tried to rebuttal, but he agreed with his whole statement. he'll take someone else's fashion sense any day. 

the heart and soul followed the train tracks leading back into the city, but it seemed like they were on the other side, far away from where toshiya lived. in fact, toshiya had never been on this side of the city, because it was where the wealthy resided. 

the wealthy area didn't look much different than the poorer side. in the neighborhood they were walking through, houses were bunched up together side by side with slim alleyways and rocky pathways. it was the same exact design where toshiya lived, except the poor side wasn't spotless and... 

"quiet." toshiya mumbled as they walked through a dim alleyway leading out of the neighborhood. "why is it so quiet? where’s everyone?” 

die had his hands rested in his coat pockets, walking cooly beside the younger boy. he didn't bother looking at him. "no one comes out unless it’s completely necessary. unlike the folks on the other side, these people are terrified of the crime rates." 

toshiya was aware of how dangerously high the crime rates were in the city, crimes revolving around violence specifically, but he was raised to never fear it. both the working class and the lower class endured those risks with no choice. even so, the people committing the crimes were barely targeting them anyway. 

"it's because they're the ones going missing and getting killed." toshiya replied. 

"mhm. that's the answer to _one_ question." die nodded. toshiya had been mindlessly following the redhead as they cut through many corners of two-story houses. 

"t-there's another question?" toshiya was already out of breath as he lagged behind, slumping over like a bent lampost. die was walking way too fast for no reason, and the soul was already struggling enough with a new set of legs, as well as being barefoot. 

"yeah, i was waiting for you to ask." die turned to him and chuckled. "since you've been throwing so much at me." 

toshiya was offended, furrowing his eyebrows inwards. _well what did he expect? i fucking died yesterday._ now he felt like staying quiet because he was embarrassed at how intrusive he was. die noticed, lightly nudging his arm. 

"i'm kidding. i was the exact same when i first took the pledge." die laughed. "except i was crankier...anyway, i'll ask _and_ answer the question for you. save your breath." 

die was definitely weird, but toshiya liked him. he decided at that moment to become more open with him, even though they had known each other for only more than a day. _ah yes, opening up to a stranger, my habit._ at least he was easier to talk to unlike shinya. 

die faced toshiya, walking backwards as he began to talk again. the black haired boy couldn't help but keep his eyes on the redhead because his gaze was naturally intense. _or was it the pledge?_

"the question was: but why are the rich getting killed? and how? yeah, two questions actually." die nodded to himself. he pulled one of his hands out of his pockets and wagged his finger at toshiya. "and the answers are behind those doors." 

die pointed over his shoulder. 

toshiya looked behind him and raised one of his eyebrows at the building. "behind the doors of an abandoned mall?" 

the boys stood in front of a single-story building that was the entrance of a shopping center with unpolished glass walls. there were ripped plastic sheetings covering all the windows, and at the double doors was a sign saying 'KEEP OUT.' caution tape was carelessly lying on the floor in front of the doors, as if someone had disregarded the warning. 

"abandoned to others, but open to us." die corrected his soul and started to walk towards the doors. of course, toshiya had no choice but to follow him. 

when they entered the building, they were indeed welcomed into a very abandoned mall. the shopping windows of all the stores were broken and the whole place was dim, with only the light from the entrance windows seeping in. 

"damn, i knew you were sketchy." toshiya casually joked. if he truly felt unsafe with die he would have felt it earlier on, but still...he felt uneasy being there. 

die simply laughed at the boy. "and when i said i wanted to murder someone, you laughed it off." 

toshiya admittedly nodded. "fair point." 

it seemed like die's intentions weren't to explore the floor they were on. as toshiya continued to follow behind the redhead, he noticed there were escalators up ahead, leading down. they were in an underground mall, it didn't make toshiya any less suspicious. 

once they got to the escalator, toshiya noticed that it was functioning perfectly. as the boys both stepped in, toshiya took a glance at die and he saw him smiling like an idiot. 

"all this for clothes?" toshiya asked suspiciously. 

"for the cutest clothes in the city." die looked back at toshiya mischievously. "and for a little meet and greet, i guess." 

he did not understand what the last statement meant, but as they continued to descend down the escalator, the bottom floor came to view and seeing it made toshiya’s jaw drop. they were welcomed to a perfectly operated mall, and not only that, but there were people walking around too. once they stepped off the escalator, toshiya started to feel confused again. 

"what is going on..." he mumbled. die ignored him and kept walking forward. 

there were at least a hundred people walking through the floor, out of and into all kinds of stores a normal mall would have, but mostly fashion related. there were no brand names hung up above the entrances of any of the stores, toshiya could only identify they were fashion shops by briefly peering into their tinted windows; each store had it’s own way of radiating a private or mysterious atmosphere and he found it odd. 

there was a mini food court in the middle of the floor where some people sat at the tables and were eating. they all seemed pretty normal too, except for maybe the fact that they all dressed so _luxuriously._ observing them all reminded toshiya of shinya. _these are his people. the rich._

and what was even weirder was that as die and toshiya were walking through the simple crowd, a great load of people landed their eyes on toshiya instantly. they eyed what he was wearing and _giggled._ they didn't seem an ounce bit horrified at how drenched in blood the boy was or that he was barefoot. they merely just laughed at him as if he pissed his pants. 

"what's wrong with these people?" toshiya gently tugged at die's coat and glared back at them. die simply chuckled again. 

they cut through the food court and the interactions were slightly amplified. the fancy-looking people blatantly pointed at toshiya and cackled louder, as they munched on fast food. sure, the boy had experience with being bullied, but he never let anyone get away with teasing him too much, only he could do that to himself. 

he still had a grip on die's coat as he forced the both of them to halt in front of a couple who were eating burgers while sneering at toshiya at the same time. 

"what's so funny, huh?" toshiya pointed at one of the guys accusingly. "you think blood is funny or somethin'?" 

the guy toshiya was talking to wore a striped tuxedo that was red and black, and had his face decorated with detailed clown makeup that was all done with glitter. his hair was long and bright red, pointing outwards at the ends. 

he looked at toshiya with disgust, as if he didn't anticipate interacting with him directly. he gently put his burger down and scowled. "yes, actually. blood is absolutely humiliating." 

the other guy he was with giggled at his response as he draped his arm over the clown's shoulders. toshiya turned to glare at him. the partner wore a blue victorian dress with a curly blonde wig and simple gothic makeup. what caught toshiya's attention the most was the bright red rope tightly tied around the guy's neck, and the rest of the rope hung underneath the table. _weird accessory._

the victorian goth condescendingly clicked his tongue. "didn't expect such a weak-looking one, die. you could've chosen better." 

toshiya widened his eyes and turned to look at die in confusion. 

die looked down at the couple completely offended. "hey now- i didn't choose him. kaoru killed him so i had to!" 

toshiya wasn't sure whether to be shocked at the fact that the fancy couple was in on 'the pledge' or the fact that die was encouraging the bullying. 

die said the last part so loudly that it seemed like the rest of the people sitting at the food court heard, even some passerbys circling around the floor. they all gasped simultaneously, as if it was scripted. 

and die reacted to their reactions in an even more dramatic way. "oh shut up, all of you! i'm alive, aren't i? and for you fucks betting i'd die yesterday, you owe me an apology!" 

some of the people seated rolled their eyes, while others grinned amusingly. _so they're all in on it._ they seemed so casual about it all, and it made toshiya uneasy. they placed bets on die. toshiya wondered how long the pledge existed in order for everyone to react this way, so insensitively. 

"including you, clownface." die added, specifically towards the couple they stood in front of. 

the guy in the striped tuxedo smirked creepily at the other redhead and simply bowed his head down. 

"i bow at your feet, o invincible one." then he turned to toshiya and dramatically placed his hand on his chest. "and i am terribly sorry you were killed by the blind man. aren't we sorry, dollface?" 

the clownface dude seemed to have harshly tugged the rope that was around the goth's neck with his free hand. dollface tensed up, as he was forced to bow his head at toshiya too. he was frazzled at first, but then a smile was plastered on his face as he stared up at toshiya. "very sorry." 

toshiya looked deeply into the blonde goth's eyes, almost instinctively like he was drawn to them. it was a different energy from whenever toshiya looked at die...and it was more similar to what he would feel when he was with shinya. he saw misery in the dollface's eyes. 

before toshiya could open his mouth to respond, die grabbed him by the arm. 

die exclaimed. "thanks, i hope i never see y’all again! now let's go, toshiya." 

he dragged his soul away from the strange couple and they continued walking through the floor. more people stared toshiya down, probably laughing at how obviously new he was to this whole society. they finally entered a store towards the end of the floor. 

the store they walked into was dimly lit and heavily adorned with gothic decor. every wall and piece of furniture was cushioned with bat printed black cloth. there were a couple of round clothing racks scattered all over the floor filled with different colors of vibrant clothes. the cashier at the register had a bejeweled gas mask on and simply bowed to them. 

toshiya followed die to the end of the room, as he continued to look around in awe. masquerade-like masks hung on the walls, as well as weapons. they were all on sale, with tags that indicated they costed more than his life. die stopped in front of a clothing rack near the back wall and began to dig through the plethora of options. toshiya assumed he was picking his clothes for him, so he simply stood beside him, recollecting his thoughts. 

"clownface and dollface...they're a heart and soul too, right?" 

die took out a very revealing shirt from the rack and held it up to toshiya's torso. then he shook his head. "yeah and not the good kind." 

toshiya scowled at the shirt and pushed it away. "is it because dollface had a rope around his neck?" 

die pouted at the soul and put the shirt back. "no, all souls have restraints. the hearts choose whether to show them or not...for dominance.” 

die quickly raised his hand up, reaching for toshiya's neck. then he made a pulling motion, and suddenly, a chain appeared in his hand. he gently tugged, and toshiya's neck was pulled along slightly. the soul reached up and felt a metal cuff around his neck. he wondered why he didn't get a rope like dollface's, but then again, a chain looked cooler. 

die curiously looked at the chain in his hand and smirked. "huh, a chain. kinky." 

toshiya widened his eyes, feeling a small blush spread across his face. he didn’t think of it like that. 

die chuckled at how flustered the boy easily became and he let go. the chain immediately disappeared. "i won't show it, i'm not territorial like everyone else." 

die continued to hold up different articles of clothing in front of toshiya with no intention of asking for his opinion. most of the choices were definitely out of the boy's comfort zone, but he didn't bother to refuse die's requests of trying them on. as they fought over whether he should wear a skirt or shorts, toshiya decided to bring the pledge up again. he expressed how fascinating it was that there was a whole society behind the phenomenon. _like being in a club._

die immediately shook his head once he noticed toshiya was getting excited over all the new people he would encounter. 

"oh don't think they're your friends just because we've all taken the pledge. you should've assumed that by the way they all looked at you." die scoffed. "if we weren't in the safe zone, they'd kill you off for fun." 

the underground mall was known as the safe zone, where violence of any sort was not allowed. apparently the 'society' was more aggressive and psychotic than toshiya had expected. if anyone broke the rules of the safe zone, everyone would have to kill the rule-breakers without hesitation. violence to solve violence, _why is murder so normal here?_

toshiya was trapped in the fitting room for the fifth time, trying on an outfit die was mostly excited about. he continued to press the redhead on about the relationship between the heart and soul, and why the hearts he met were so careless with their souls. 

"souls are dispensable. that's the mentality of most of the fuckers here." die simply responded as he stood on the other side of the fitting room door. "it's why the crime rates are so high in this city, because hearts intentionally kill the rich and take them as their souls." 

"so the pledge is the reason why so many people die here...” 

it was also why so many people scowled at toshiya and instantly thought lowly of him. they all had wealthy souls and treated them like rare breeds of pets. in this case, toshiya was the unwanted dog from the shelter. 

as he slipped into a pair of zebra printed tights, his chain appeared again and die tugged on it slightly. _a pet._

"which is why i want you to help me save shinya." die spoke up. he was playing with toshiya's chain as he swung it side-to-side under the door like a jumprope. "he's been with kaoru for too long. you need to convince him to leave the bastard." 

die slid a pair of leather platform boots under the door. _these are gonna make me look like a giant but okay._

toshiya grunted, as he struggled to put the boots on because of how heavy they were. "didn't you say we were restrained though? how is he even supposed to leave?" 

die dropped the chain and it vanished again. he sighed. "you know, i'm not one to think too much about my plans...but i do have my theories." 

the redhead believed that if shinya was convinced, he would be able to escape solely by manifesting those intentions. 

"so if i had intentions of escaping you, i could?" toshiya snickered. 

die scoffed. "i'd like to see you try, dork. but no, you most likely couldn’t. shinya can because he's...he's a very special soul." 

toshiya rolled his eyes. he stood up and started stretching, trying to feel more comfortable in his new outfit. it wasn’t as uncomfortable as he expected, and he was surprisingly okay with wearing booty shorts. 

he adjusted the leather harness he wore over his chest. "and you're not only saying that because he's your boyfriend?" 

"nah. shinya's the strongest soul around, why do you think kaoru stole him from me?" die replied sternly. toshiya had a feeling there was more to it, but before he could ask, die changed the subject. "anyway, open the damn door, let me take a look at you." 

toshiya swung the door open and cautiously walked forward. the boots he had on made every step he took extra loud and he giggled to himself. “you know, you could’ve just thrown a suit on me and call it a day. what if i get cold?” 

toshiya pouted as he poked his exposed stomach. _what’s the point of a cropped and sleeveless turtleneck?_

he pulled his arm warmers over his knuckles and innocently swung his arms. he finally looked at die, and noticed the shocked expression on his face. his eyebrows were perked up and his tongue was slightly out against one side of his mouth. he was very obviously checking toshiya out, not looking at his face at all, and it startled the soul. 

"god, you are...” die slowly nodded, not really keeping track of his own words. then his eyes flickered back at toshiya. “tall. rich looks good on you. i like it." 

he simply grinned at his soul. the more die smiled at toshiya, the more toshiya felt comfortable with him. despite being overwhelmed at how the redhead reacted, toshiya grinned back. 

the soul simply swayed where he stood. “shinya better like it too, i’m sure he’ll be proud.” 

die shrugged his shoulders. “eh, he’ll always be judgmental. _however_ , he does like boys with makeup. onto the next task!” 

the heart clapped his hands together and immediately started walking away. toshiya groaned. _so i guess i’m a pet and a doll now...this should be fun._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!! sorry for the late chapter release, but i hope yall were still anticipating it! i know this one was a bit slow because i jammed a lot of exposition in there but i promise the next chapters will be more action pact ;) what are your thoughts so far?


	3. cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **shinya**   
>  _the concertmaster who takes the lead when playing his music, yet prefers to be controlled throughout all other aspects of his life._

shinya was very connected to his violin. he believed it was easier to latch onto it rather than connecting with a human being. it was an extension of himself just like a heart with their weapon, except his was mostly used to fight his own internal conflicts. if he wasn't a soul—someone forced to live in their heart's shadow—he would isolate himself and spend the rest of his days with his violin, away from humans. all the people in his life seemed to change or disappear, but his violin never did. its music was the only thing that changed and it was always something shinya controlled. 

_controlled._ he never liked that word but it was probably the word that defined him the most. and he wasn't oblivious to the number of people that controlled him his whole life. _i'm not stupid._ he was vulnerable, and the only way to cope with his controlled life was to play his violin. 

whatever tune he carried resurfaced memories he needed to be reminded of in order to feel _real._ being a soul for so long made shinya feel like an actual ghost. sometimes he found himself spacing out for so long he'd lose track of time. he often let his thoughts wander off as they entangled with the sorrowful notes he played almost mindlessly. 

he decided to remember the night kaoru saved him, roughly a year ago. 

the violinist woke up with tears in his eyes. his vision was blurred and he saw the teardrops fall onto his light blue nightgown, splattering the thin layered tulle fabric with red. the _curse_ was even stronger, which was why he was crying blood this time around. it seemed like his punishment for _another_ death was to make his tears look humiliating. souls despised the sight of blood. 

shinya was in a dark bedroom and the only thing he could feel was the softness of the bed he laid on. his head rested on a stack of pillows, and his hands were gently placed on his chest. kaoru sat at his side, with a red bandana tied over his eyes. the purple haired boy didn't hesitate to wipe shinya's tears of blood with the sleeve of his coat. 

"how are you feeling?" kaoru gave the boy a small smile that was practically etched into his face like a doll. shinya could tell the blind boy was attempting to resonate a friendly warmth through his bedside manner, but the energy between them was ice cold. _it's not the same._

"i d-dont feel anything." shinya shivered, gently hugging himself. "so, nothing _new_." 

he didn't even know where he was, but he was aware of what happened before he died and he much preferred to be here, even though he had been kidnapped. he already assumed the blind boy saved him and made him his soul, and he knew the exact reason why. the reason wasn't surprising, it was tiresome. 

"...then why are you crying?" kaoru tilted his head to the side curiously. he stopped wiping shinya's face and carefully dragged his fingertips along the boy's cheek. 

cold to the touch...shinya was starting to not mind it. he had always been conditioned to embrace the warmth from the people he latched onto...who had unfortunately left him. and now that he was introduced to the opposite sensation, he decided to accept it since it was something _new_. 

"i don't know." shinya muttered, lying under his breath. he felt humiliated, heartbroken even. he couldn't believe he let a human harm him in more ways than physical, again. 

"poor thing." kaoru slowly shook his head, facing the wall behind shinya. "if you feel betrayed, then it isn’t shameful to admit it." 

kaoru could read the boy like an open book, and shinya didn't like it one bit. they barely knew each other but kaoru always acted like he knew everything about everyone. 

the blindfolded boy added with a soft chuckle. "if you acknowledge the pain, it disappears." 

"i don't believe in that at all." shinya snapped with a weak voice. 

he wanted to believe in that saying with every bone in his body, but he simply couldn't, especially after everything he had been through. he reached for his own head, feeling the invisible wound at the center of his forehead throb. _at least the death was quick,_ shinya thought, _fucking uncalled for, but quick._

"then what do you believe in?" kaoru asked. his touch grew colder the more it lingered on shinya's skin. it was nearly unbearable, and he liked it. 

shinya slowly put his hand back down and he glared at the blind boy. "distractions." 

kaoru's fingers subtly retracted from shinya's cheek. he seemed taken aback by shinya's sudden assertiveness, the violinist himself wasn't sure what he was going with it either. he felt too exhausted to care anymore. despite hating people so much, he still needed to feel someone, _anyone_. 

kaoru slowly turned to face shinya, looking down on him with an eyebrow raised. even with his blindfold on, shinya could feel his intense gaze. 

kaoru's mouth twitched into a smirk before speaking sternly. "would you like me to distract you from the pain then?" 

shinya felt the purple-haired boy's hand slowly slide down his face. he knew kaoru was dangerous because of how mysterious he was. kaoru had no genuine care for anything or anyone, _even though he saved me_. shinya was aware he was a pawn, he was always a pawn. 

and he didn't care to be more than that, nor had he planned to ever stop being one. he had no control...and sometimes, he liked that. 

shinya simply closed his eyes. "do whatever you want." 

he wasn't sure if he regretted responding with such carelessness, even with kaoru's hand wrapped around his throat. 

after the sad melody came to an end, shinya opened his eyes and was back in the present. he sat at the steps of the abandoned mall's entrance with another soul named dollface. hours had probably passed but he nor dollface wouldn't have known; dollface had been dancing to shinya's music the whole time, probably daydreaming about his past too. 

"oh my, i see you've cleaned up well since the first time we met." dollface stopped dancing and cooed at another person standing in front of them. 

shinya didn't need to look up to know who the fancy goth was talking to. it was easy to sense toshiya, it always had been for some strange reason. even during rehearsals shinya was curious about the class clown contrabass player, he just never bothered to befriend him. souls could sense other people's auras very easily, perhaps toshiya's was always strong because of his personality. 

"i mean...that was only like, yesterday, but thanks!" toshiya exclaimed, his voice booming louder than it needed to. 

the violinist couldn't help but become curious, so he glanced up at his tall acquaintance. 

toshiya's long black hair was now dyed a dark blue from his roots down to the sides of his head where the ends of his fringe was spiked outwards. the violinist was surprised to see a full face of makeup on the boy; he wore heavy blue eyeshadow and white lipstick with a black lipliner. shinya always focused on the face when it came to makeovers, specifically die's makeovers. 

and of course the redhead had to give him such a revealing outfit, it nearly made shinya roll his eyes. it didn't help that the blue haired boy practically cowered over them with his thick platformed boots too. _am i supposed to be intimidated? jealous?_

all in all, he expected this encounter, and he wanted to get it over with. 

"dollface, go inside and see if they're ready." shinya muttered as he put his violin back in its case. 

dollface calmly stood up and curtsied at the both of them. then he twirled in his little black victorian dress and skipped away, into the mall. 

toshiya grinned as he watched dollface go. "he seems friendly!" 

"he'd have you killed for fun." shinya immediately countered. 

"well. that's not the first time someone has said that." toshiya pouted, awkwardly rubbing the back of his leg with the other. 

all of clownface's previous souls had been pretty psychotic. dollface in particular was a little more reserved, yet sadistic unlike most souls. he often disobeyed clownface by tormenting other people. dollface specifically loved to start drama by manipulating clownface into killing hearts for fun or even manipulating hearts into killing their own souls. 

shinya was obviously an exception to dollface's torment because of his ‘seniority’—no one really messed with him or kaoru. he had always found souls like dollface very bothersome though, because they always tried to become more than they were. 

toshiya flashed a toothy grin and looked down at shinya. "anyway, are you surprised to see me?" 

"no." shinya simply replied. it was a dumb question. "i was there when you and die got hit by the train." 

it was a moment shinya should have saw coming. when he and kaoru headed to the train station, kaoru told him to let toshiya chase them. shinya wasn't sure why, until of course, die showed up in public with his gun out. die saving toshiya and getting a second life seemed to be kaoru's plan all along and shinya wasn't sure how he felt about it. kaoru hated die as much as die hated him... _so why not let him rot?_

toshiya scoffed and spread his arms open. "yeah, but i didn't look like this, did i?" 

shinya could tell toshiya was completely satisfied with his transformation, which was very odd. normally, souls didn't crack a smile for days after getting cursed because of the trauma, and shinya could attest to that. he cried, a lot. 

"...blue isn't your color." shinya averted his eyes from the tall boy. he wasn't interested in flattering toshiya, no matter how weirdly enthusiastic he was. 

toshiya sulked. "really? yeah, i was thinking red—" 

"whatever die wants you to tell me, i would rather not hear." shinya immediately interrupted. 

although, the violinist had to admit it was refreshing for die to send a messenger rather than ruining shinya's mood completely with his overbearing presence. the redhead had been chasing shinya down for about a year. it was good that toshiya showed up to save his ass before his 'deadline,' _i guess._

"well!" toshiya shouted defensively. "what if i came on my own?" 

shinya could believe that too just because of how eager toshiya was to be his friend. still, toshiya was connected to die now and that made him suspicious. 

shinya glared at toshiya. "die putting no restraints on his soul? i'm surprised." 

"mm, well maybe he's just different?" toshiya shrugged his shoulders. the violinist wasn't buying it. 

all hearts were very possessive over their souls, always expecting them to be at their side at all times. souls were literally their second lives, after all. shinya knew that die in particular was always doing the most to save his own skin, he expected him to keep toshiya on his leash. there had to be something more to this interaction. 

shinya sighed. "then what do you want, toshiya?" 

"i told you i wanted to hang out last time, remember?" toshiya smiled, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "before i uh, died." 

shinya was honestly okay with hanging out with toshiya, the only problem yesterday was kaoru. now that the tall boy was in their world, perhaps it was acceptable. shinya always made sure souls were educated about their lifestyle anyway. if toshiya was here for another reason though, it couldn’t be helped, shinya would just have to keep his guard up. 

the violinist stood up and slung his violin case over his shoulder. he walked up the steps leading to the entrance of the abandoned mall. "alright, let's go inside then." 

"oh, i've already been inside the safe zone." toshiya nervously laughed. "not really my favorite place to be." 

of course shinya was aware of that, dollface and the other souls gossiped way too much, talking shit about how bloody toshiya was yesterday. shinya hated the safe zone too because of how judgmental everyone was, but only when the zone was a shopping center. 

"the safe zone is _different_ on the weekends." 

toshiya raised an eyebrow at shinya, but then he chuckled and shook his head. "i shouldn't even be surprised." 

without further hesitations, he followed the violinist into the mall. 

the first floor of the mall was a wreck per usual, and there were other people standing around talking to each other in hushed voices. they were all souls and it was obvious because all their leashes were visible; most of them were cotton rope of various colors, some were leather leashes. 

shinya looked down and saw that his appeared, as well. his restraint was a simple pink ribbon that was finished into a bow around his neck. the rest of the ribbon extended far away into where the escalators were. every soul's leash was leading to the underground part of the mall. 

"ooh, yours is actually pretty." toshiya spoke up. "why is mine so edgy?" 

toshiya reached for shinya's bow but the violinist immediately smacked his hand away. he mumbled. "maybe because you're edgy." 

toshiya snickered. then he reached for his own neck too, probably expecting for his to appear, but it didn't. 

"your heart is the only one that can make it appear." shinya explained. he wondered what kind of leash toshiya had, it was probably basic leather. "and it's best that it doesn't...when we go down, don’t mention your die's soul at all." 

toshiya put his hand down and pouted. "why? is it because i'm not an experienced, rich soul like you?" 

"well yes," shinya replied as they continued to walk, following the other souls to the escalators. "but also because die's banned from the safe zone on weekends." 

the impulsive redhead tried to kill kaoru last week, since kaoru and shinya always hung out in the safe zone at the end of the week. the rules stated that the person must be killed if they use violence in the safe zone but kaoru let him go, probably because he was supposed to _disappear_ later anyway. 

toshiya giggled at that response. "of course he is." 

shinya looked at the boy incredulously. he wondered how close he and die had become just within two days. he wouldn't be surprised if they were best friends already because of their matching personalities...and shinya was _totally_ fine with that. 

they finally joined the line of souls descending down the escalator. on a typical weekday, the bottom floor would have been open to the shopping center, but on weekends there were huge red velvet curtains surrounding the end of the escalators, blocking the view of the whole floor. 

each soul passed through the curtains in a single filed line, with a bouncer near the opening. the bouncer was noc who had only been a soul for a few weeks but easily fit into the society because of his rebellious personality. he stood tall, looming over the souls passing by, with a leather trench coat and a cold glare. 

noc simply nodded at shinya, granting him passage, but he immediately extended his muscular arm to block toshiya's way. 

"can't come in without your collar, man." noc was a little shorter than toshiya, but he stood as tall as him thanks to his black gelled up mohawk. he pointed at his own leather collar with huge spikes on it. "is your heart in there?" 

other souls were pretty intimidated by noc because he died getting eaten alive by wolves. supposedly, the more gruesome your death was, the stronger soul you were. shinya didn't understand the logic at all, he wasn't really afraid of anyone. 

and it seemed like toshiya wasn't either. he leaned closer to noc and smirked. "he let me take the day off." 

noc furrowed his eyebrows. "what? that's stupid." 

it was. shinya rolled his eyes. "he's with me, noc." 

noc glanced at the shorter boy incredulously. "and? the rule is: you can't come in without your heart." 

"and who made those rules?" shinya kept firm eye contact with the mohawk boy. noc needed to be reminded of who shinya was exactly, and specifically, who his heart was. "let him through." 

noc could probably sense shinya's cold stare getting colder. he sighed, breathing out a small cloud of fog because of how cold it became within those few seconds of interaction. 

noc slowly put his arm down, bewildered. "alright, but i better not get in trouble for this." 

shinya could care less. he didn't bother replying back as he continued further into the room, with toshiya following behind him with a grin. 

instantly toshiya let out a gasp, as he looked at what makeover the mall endured. 

"so it is a club!" 

shinya wasn't sure what the boy was referring to, but he silently let toshiya look around the party. there were a couple of circular platforms scattered all over the floor, and people stood on them dancing around, some even prancing around poles. shinya could spot dollface getting showered with money as he blew kisses to the people watching him dance elegantly. souls were usually the ones doing the entertainment, but shinya had never stepped up on a platform before...unless they wanted a violin performance at a club. 

leather couches circled around the platforms with many couples of hearts and souls lounging on them socializing over loud goth rock music. 

a soul passed by them holding a tray of drinks which toshiya obligately took, as shinya politely declined. the blue haired boy immediately chugged the martini and set it back onto the tray. they continued walking further into the night club. 

"so are you like, the boss of souls or something?" toshiya snickered. he seemed to be entertained at how well shinya took care of the situation with noc. 

"no. souls aren't the boss of anything." shinya muttered. "but i guess being the soul of the boss makes me a little more important." 

it was a bit tacky to call kaoru 'the boss' but many people saw it that way, since he was the strongest heart. that title didn't really mean much to shinya though, especially since shinya was the one doing most of the work keeping him alive...but of course, no one dared to admit souls were that valuable. 

"cool." toshiya nodded. he noticed dollface dancing on the center platform and waved at him. the boy in the victorian dress bowed back, his dark blue curls bouncing when he dipped. 

toshiya quickly turned his attention back to shinya. "so when you say important, how ‘important’ are you, really? to kaoru?" 

shinya watched some hearts and souls practically eating each other's faces off, as he thought about that question. the different relationships between a heart and soul were indeed bizarre. 

"as important as i need to be." shinya mumbled. then he noticed clownface tugging at dollface's leash for laughs, nearly causing the dancing doll to fall off the stage. he was visibly scared, yet he played along to please the hearts throwing money at him. _bizarre._

toshiya scoffed. "hm. not as important as you are to die, i'm guessing." 

that comment immediately caught shinya's attention. he glared at toshiya with pure distaste. "that's gross. you don't know what you're talking about." 

now it was obvious to the violinist that toshiya's intentions of hanging out with him weren't as genuine as he thought. 

toshiya produced a confused look on his face. "gross? geez, you're even harsh talking about your boyfriend, too..." 

the violinist's body tensed up. he was only harsh to people he didn't trust...which was everyone, _but still._ die was the one he trusted the least in the world. 

"he's not my boyfriend." shinya snapped. " _he was,_ but never again." 

shinya could feel the air around him get colder and the music seemed to pound deeper into his eardrums. he hadn't really talked about die with anyone other than kaoru. he didn't feel comfortable sharing anything personal to toshiya at all, yet he felt forced to anyway. to clear things up. 

toshiya had a disappointed look on his face. "really? i guess he lied to me then. i thought kaoru was holding you hostage and keeping you away from him." 

"well the first part is accurate." shinya admitted. _all souls were hostages, weren’t we?_ "but the second isn't. i'm doing just fine without die." 

toshiya looked at shinya suspiciously. it was obvious that he doubted his words, and the violinist expected him to argue, but toshiya simply smiled. "whatever you say. i guess there's a lot i'm missing." 

shinya silently agreed, and he felt like he had to be the one to fill toshiya in on everything, but at his own pace. as for now, shinya had to find his heart. 

the two souls slipped their way through more people dancing, as well as a handful of them laying on the floor intoxicated. shinya practically had to drag toshiya with him because the tall boy grew too distracted, almost giving into couples asking him to play 'games.' at this point, toshiya had only been tipsy so shinya assumed it was the boy's personality that made him want to trust strangers so easily. _he really doesn't care where he ends up._ and in that case, he wouldn't mind shinya reuniting him with his killer. 

the shops all had curtains hung at their entrances, where _private lounging_ occurred instead of shopping. there were even more rooms at the second tier that overlooked the whole floor. shinya took toshiya up the stairs, through more couples sprawled all over the steps, causing toshiya to giggle to himself. once they got to the top step, they came across another curtain blocking the terrace of the second tier. 

toshiya curiously looked at the red velvet curtains. "i'm guessing we're not going shopping, are we?" 

shinya didn't bother answering him. he simply pulled the curtains apart. in front of each 'store' were small counters set in front of the railing of the balcony where many people were seated, drinking and observing the people down below. the second tier of the safe zone was usually for the richest of hearts and souls, because there was simply more privacy up there. _they fuck around in the rooms, then walk out, sit down, get drunk, and repeat._

after walking by a few rooms, they finally reached the middle of the hall which was shinya's destination. the metal music was much quieter up on the second tier. the first thing shinya could hear were giggles coming from a long leather couch placed right near the railing of the terrace, instead of the typical barstools. 

kaoru sat at the center of the couch while women dressed in nothing but leather costumes were clinging onto him. they all had thin veils covering their eyes too, but shinya was aware they could see perfectly. many souls idolized kaoru and would wear blindfolds, even choosing katanas as their weapons to emulate him. 

shinya only took a few steps before the women on both sides of kaoru started whispering to him, their voices echoing off each other. 

"it's shinya." 

"shinya's here." 

"with a tall boy." 

"...tall boy." 

"oh, you brought a friend." kaoru looked over his shoulder to where toshiya and shinya were standing. he had his long purple hair slick back and he wasn't wearing his coat, just a shear turtleneck with a floral lace pattern, teasing many tattoos under the fabric. "how was the train, toshiya? did it hurt a lot?" 

toshiya shamefully looked away and pouted. "no, but your sword did." 

the way kaoru swiped at toshiya's neck would've been pretty painless if he used a regular sword or knife, but kaoru's katana in particular was known for making the pain more _intense_ afterwards. shinya knew that very well. 

"my apologies." kaoru grinned. _he's not sorry at all._ "i tried my best to make it as quick as possible. come, sit with us." 

shinya approached the couch, and the girls on kaoru's right side immediately got up and let shinya plop right beside his heart. it took no time for the violinist to get comfortable and practically drape over the purple haired boy as kaoru put his arm around him. toshiya seemed pleasantly surprised, but shinya took his reaction with a grain of salt, rolling his eyes. 

one of the girls pulled up a cushioned ottoman for toshiya to sit on right beside shinya at the edge of the couch. the seat was so low that toshiya was forced to sit with his knees bent facing each other. 

"so what are you doing here, toshiya?" kaoru spoke up again, while shinya gently placed his head on the older boy's shoulder. everyone was facing the railing and resorted to socializing without looking at each other, but shinya had a decent view of kaoru, the floor overhead, and toshiya. 

"i'm simply hanging around." toshiya awkwardly played with the holes in his short-shorts as he slouched. he wasn’t as enthusiastic as he was earlier, shinya wondered if he was intimidated by kaoru. he wouldn’t blame him. 

"i can believe that." kaoru snickered. "i don't smell die anywhere." 

he glanced down at shinya, expecting him to be amused, but he merely batted an eye. the violinist let the girls be amused for him, as they all giggled right after kaoru's snarky response. 

shinya could feel the blind boy's grip slightly tighten around his forearm, but he loosened up seconds after and caressed him instead. _overwhelmingly needy._

"are you here for the show?" kaoru proceeded to interrogate the tall soul. 

toshiya tilted his head, peering over at kaoru with curiosity. "show?" 

the leather girl sitting on kaoru's left side spoke up in a flirty tone. "clownface is going to battle someone tonight..." 

"the attention seeker he is..." another soul cooed. 

shinya rolled his eyes. _all hearts were attention seekers._

toshiya mumbled. "i thought violence wasn't allowed in the safe zone." 

"unsolicited violence." kaoru replied with sophistication. he was twisting his own rules, as always. "think of it like a performance." 

"except nothing's fake." shinya blatantly interjected. 

kaoru chuckled while still caressing shinya's arm. "but it's still quite theatrical, isn't it? you'll like it, toshiya, mind my pessimistic soul." 

shinya glanced over at toshiya and noticed the boy staring right back at him. his expression was hard to read, but shinya could tell he wasn't disturbed at all. he was merely intrigued. 

suddenly, the music blasting from the bottom floor began to decrescendo until it stopped completely and all the people at the dance floor and platforms began to disperse towards the walls of the safe zone. 

all the occupants on the whole second tier walked out from their pleasure rooms and sat onto their barstools to watch. 

"showtime..." kaoru hummed nearly straight into shinya's ear. the violinist hated this part of the night and would simply fall asleep on the heart's shoulder. 

"wait..." toshiya spoke up. it wasn't a loud outburst like usual, but an intrigued mutter. "...who's that over there?" 

shinya lazily followed toshiya's gaze which seemed to be far off to the other side of the second floor. he immediately knew who toshiya was referring to because everyone reacted that way when they first saw...him. shinya didn't bother answering the boy, and instead closed his eyes once again. 

kaoru didn’t hesitate to answer, and he did it in such a sharp tone that his cold breath pricked shinya's neck. 

"someone you shouldn’t be looking at."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the lag i was a bit unmotivated ;____; but i hope this chapter was okay! please please spill any thoughts u have <3 i want to know if ppl like this so far lol
> 
> okay byeee ill be on twt @dirt_toshiya


	4. the macabre dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **toshiya**   
>  _the soul who seeks a fantasy of his own until he realizes its genre is a bit crueler than he anticipated...does it matter though? it’s still more than anything he experienced when he lived._

there was another couch on the other side of the second floor, nearly mirroring where they were. a boy sat at the center of the couch, surrounded by men and women dressed in kinky outfits much like kaoru's fangirls but way more revealing. although, toshiya was mostly intrigued by the boy's appearance because he looked so out of place compared to everyone else. 

his face was poorly wrapped in bloody bandages and toshiya could tell that his whole body was wrapped up too, under his formal outfit. he wore a white victorian buttoned up shirt that had blood seeping through the fabric, as well as black slacks and thick platform boots. every time the disco lights shined on him, toshiya could notice more minor details like the short blonde hair haphazardly spewing out of the bandages and his dull eyes peering down at the bottom floor. 

toshiya had to speak up. "wait...who's that over there?" 

there was a few seconds of awkward silence. 

"someone you shouldn't be looking at." 

the tone of kaoru's voice changed instantly compared to how flirty he sounded when whispering in shinya's ear moments ago. it was as if he felt threatened by toshiya's mere curiosity. toshiya would have been startled, if he wasn't too busy being in a complete trance. his eyes were glued to the bandaged boy. 

"why not?" toshiya mumbled. "...shouldn't he go to a hospital or something?" 

he suddenly felt the point of shinya's high heel jab into his leg, causing him to break his trance to turn to the other soul. shinya's eyes were widened, as if he wanted toshiya to shut up, but this just made him even more curious. kaoru's fangirls were all scowling at toshiya. he probably said something bad. 

toshiya was hesitant to speak again but he did anyway. "oh...or will he heal himself? he's a new soul, right?" 

he could see the widened eyes of all the souls sitting on the couch, despite their faces being veiled. _i definitely just made it worse._

kaoru looked up at the clueless boy and tilted his head, letting it subtly rest on shinya's head. "you just love stepping out of bounds, don't you, toshiya?" 

shinya closed his eyes, as if shutting down and acting like he wasn't there. toshiya wasn't intimidated at the slightest, his curiosity was stronger. 

"it is a habit." toshiya gave the blind boy a small smile. the girls in the leather simply turned away in disgust. 

kaoru calmly turned away from toshiya, as well, and faced the other side of the balcony where the bandaged boy was. he didn't seem annoyed anymore. 

" _kyo_ isn't a soul. it's actually quite disgraceful to even assume that." kaoru let out a soft chuckle. "you're lucky he didn't hear you speak at all." 

the bandaged boy was someone to be intimidated by, toshiya realized, even though he was in worse shape than toshiya was when he got resurrected. if kyo wasn't a new soul, he had to be a heart who was recently injured. there was blood all over him, so why respect him, especially when the sight of blood was supposedly humiliating? _or was blood on a heart more normalized?_

"you owe him your second life." kaoru added. "all souls do." 

toshiya was intrigued by that answer, even though he probably should've felt offended instead. this whole time he assumed kaoru was the leader of this ‘society,’ but there was someone else even he respected. "so he created the pledge?" 

kaoru and his fangirls giggled. "'the pledge?' is that what die calls it? how dramatic...it's a _gift_." 

toshiya gave the blind boy a questioning look, _that was even more dramatic._ kaoru's reply even made shinya flutter his eyes open. he stared at nothing in particular, but the expression on his face looked subtly somber. 

toshiya couldn't help but turn to look at kyo once again, and to his surprise, the bandaged boy was facing their side of the balcony now. a shock was instantly sent down toshiya's back and sat at the pit of his stomach. he wasn't scared, it was more of an overwhelmingly _good_ feeling, even though it made him want to vomit because of how sudden it was. 

"he's in bad shape because he does so much for all of us." kaoru spoke up again. if it wasn't for his voice, toshiya would've felt like he was alone at that very moment. looking at kyo made him feel isolated and somewhat submerged into an ocean of nothingness, his surroundings were muted. 

"he bleeds every time a soul is created. he bleeds with them." shinya's voice was muffled too, but hearing it made toshiya feel more grounded. 

kyo's head slightly tilted to the side, as he continued to peer at toshiya. the soul felt like he shouldn't dare break the eye contact. it was something to absorb in its entirety. it _hurt_ to look at him but the pain was familiar, making him feel comfortable somehow. that was when toshiya realized that looking at kyo made him feel like he was dying again. he was reminded of how death felt, even though his was quick but equally intense. 

fortunately, despite being in a trance, toshiya still had the strength to speak, and there was only one thing he wanted to say. 

"he bled for me." 

no one answered, because they were all satisfied with his revelation. it seemed like kyo was satisfied as well, because he broke eye contact right after. he continued to look down at the first floor as the sound of a microphone turning on filled the whole building. all the spotlights slowly pointed at the very center of the safe zone. 

it took toshiya a few more seconds to stop staring at kyo because he was still super fascinated by him. the realization that someone else had to endure all those wounds because of his resurrection felt...comforting. was it wrong for him to think that? it didn't take much for toshiya to be attached to someone, just as he did with die, because he rarely had connections with people. he felt important. 

the soul could hardly pay attention to what clownface was saying as he waved at everyone from the bottom floor. 

"i hope you all enjoyed tonight's beverages and entertainment!" clownface pompously walked around his little spotlight. "now it's time for my favorite part of the night. my little show! i call tonight's act: voyage sans retour..." 

everyone in the building started to clap and cheer. toshiya clapped too and shinya glared at him, the only one not moving a muscle. 

clownface continued to speak, "now normally, i would ask for volunteers, but since monsieur undertaker is here..." 

he respectfully gestured towards the second floor, specifically where kyo was sitting. toshiya was too anxious to look at kyo, not wanting to be pulled into a trance once again. 

"i wanted to be more selective." clownface ran his hand along the brim of his red top hat and smirked. "wouldn't you like that, kyo?" 

toshiya hesitantly followed clownface's gaze at kyo, and the sensation he had before was no longer there. it was as if kyo's attention was completely cut off from toshiya. one of the souls by kyo's side leaned towards him as he whispered in their ear. then the soul stood up and shouted down at clownface. 

"he said 'get on with it!'" 

kyo stared blankly at clownface as the soul answered for him. some people in the building started laughing. 

"ah yes, because theater should always be done in a hurry..." clownface muttered into the mic, then continued with a higher pitched voice. "right then! i'm bringing on a rookie couple tonight. noc, please stomp on over here." 

one of the spotlights moved to a place across the room from clownface and onto the tall bodyguard who stopped toshiya at the entrance. he had his arms crossed, basically mad-dogging clownface. toshiya could tell the dude was not someone to mess with, but so was clownface because of his haughty personality. toshiya wasn't intimidated by either of them though, he thought their arrogance was humorous. 

noc didn't hesitate to walk towards clownface, and when he did, there was another person standing right behind him. it was hard notice him because he was much smaller than noc. the guy was opposite of noc in appearance too; instead of a black leather trench coat, he wore a white one with white clothes underneath that perfectly matched his platinum blonde hair. the only thing that noc and the blonde guy had in common was their intense glares at clownface. 

"oh my, i am so foolish!" clownface guffawed. "my apologies, qaz. i totally forgot you were the heart of the pair." 

there were some giggles heard all around, including chuckling from kaoru. toshiya was surprised they were all bullying a heart, but then he remembered how nasty they were towards die at the shopping center yesterday. it must have been humiliating to get laughed at by your own community. 

qaz rolled his eyes and adjusted his white coat. "stop acting dumb, clown, you've always known. now why have you chosen us?" 

noc continued to stare down clownface. his stance made the clown laugh. 

"it's actually quite simple! i believe your guys' relationship ruins the reputation of all hearts and souls. it's embarrassing the way noc controls it." 

the accusation caught the attention of everyone in the building, even shinya who decided to sit up and observe. if shinya's attention was grabbed, this interaction must have been more serious than toshiya thought and he wondered why. 

qaz scoffed, speaking in a higher volume so everyone could hear without even using a mic. "noc? controlling it?" 

the boy in the white outstretched his arm and made a big tugging motion. as soon as he did, noc's leather leash appeared and the tall boy was forced to stumble back because of how hard qaz pulled him. noc clenched his jaw begrudgingly and slowly walked behind qaz. die liked tugging toshiya's chain playfully but if he ever pulled him the way qaz did...toshiya would've found it funny. 

qaz smirked at the clown, satisfied with how noc controlled his temper. "you're mistaken." 

as this interaction was happening, toshiya noticed kaoru stand up from the couch to talk with a soul that approached him. the soul was holding a tray with stacks of bills and gold coins on it. kaoru reached into the front pocket of his coat that slung over the couch and he pulled out a diamond nearly the size of his palm. he kissed it and gently placed it on the tray as he muttered something inaudible into the soul's ear. toshiya could already assume what the tray was for though. 

"are they betting on who's gonna win?" toshiya chuckled, as he whispered to shinya. he was reminded when kids used to bet on fights back when he was in school. "can i bet?" 

shinya immediately turned to toshiya and looked at him with disgust. "they're betting on who _stays alive_. and no you can't, you're a soul with no money." 

"oh." toshiya raised his eyebrows. he was never one to bet anyway, he was always the one thrown into the fights. he wasn't the least bit shameful about being poor either, he was more intrigued about the duel itself. "so, someone's gonna die huh? like...for real?" 

shinya rolled his eyes. he certainly didn't appreciate how insensitive toshiya was being, and the tall boy pouted innocently. _should i be concerned?_

clownface cleared his throat and kept his grin on. "we're going to need more from you other than intimidation, qaz...especially since noc is the one who always fights your fight. " 

the audience 'oooh'ed at the clown's comment. qaz was highly offended by it, but instead of replying back to clownface, he turned towards noc and began talking to him. no one could hear what he was saying but it looked like he was scolding the tall soul. noc immediately started talking back. 

kaoru remained standing, leaning against the railing as his fangirls whispered in his ears. shinya scooted closer to toshiya and propped his elbow on the arm of the couch casually. toshiya was taken by surprise because the closer the violinist was to him, the colder he felt. he wondered what the cold meant, just like how he wondered why die was always warm. 

the fact that shinya moved closer to him gave toshiya the invitation to annoy him again with questions. "how the fuck is noc the soul anyway?" 

shinya had his eyes on kaoru for a moment, as if he was making sure it was safe for him to talk. the heart's back was completely turned so the violinist began to explain. 

he readjusted his leather dress since it was ridden up. toshiya noticed kaoru was subtly caressing shinya's legs and practically his whole body, the whole time, and the soul thought it was intriguing. it seemed like all hearts were very _affectionate_...not so much die yet, but he silently wished it. 

"there's two instances of turning into a soul." shinya mumbled. "it's either intentional or coincidental." 

toshiya was a coincidental soul, even though kaoru instigated his way of dying. shinya explained that it was only intentional if both the soul and the heart knew about the pledge beforehand. noc and qaz were intentional partners and had been pretty obsessed with the ritual beforehand which was why the whole community knew them well. noc was the popular one out of the two because he was more dedicated and intimidating. 

"i didn't think someone would want to be a soul willingly..." toshiya muttered. shinya glared at the boy, as if he was offended. _i thought we were supposed to hate being souls? why is he like this?_

shinya averted his eyes. "neither of them wanted to be the soul. they both competed against each other to be the heart. it's common." 

"and noc lost?" toshiya scoffed. 

"no. qaz cheated." shinya replied with disdain. "it's always about being smart anyway. souls have to be physically strong to take the pain, don't they?" 

toshiya blatantly examined shinya's frail figure, then he looked at himself. he simply smiled at shinya and the violinist scoffed back. 

"i'm stronger than i look, i don't know about you." 

toshiya had never worked out in his life, but he really did have a high pain tolerance. he assumed shinya was the same and he just didn't want to admit it. 

"so brains, huh?" toshiya laughed to himself thinking about die. he didn't think there was a brains or brawn in their partnership at all. "how smart are hearts exactly?" 

"well," shinya looked down the first floor again. clownface was sitting on the floor now while qaz and noc were practicially in an argument. "noc may have been the one mauled by wolves, but all qaz did was push them off a cliff as he was bleeding out. noc is the fight, qaz is the flight." 

that situation was awfully similar to how toshiya and die formed their bond, except all toshiya had to do was bleed. hearts seemed to be the opportunists and rule breakers, while the souls were the followers and preferred practicality. toshiya could agree on that stance, but he still didn't understand what the main issue was. 

"noc is way more aggressive than qaz is, and he grew even more angry after they received the gift when he ended up being the soul." shinya answered. "the anger gives him presence." 

"presence?" toshiya cocked his head to the side. "and that's so bad because...?" 

"souls can't have a _presence_...but i'm sure it's more personal than that." shinya shrugged. "clown just hates when people don't follow tradition. he clings onto his god complex desperately. all of them do." 

shinya had his eyes on kaoru's back again, watching the purple-haired heart gently kiss one of his fangirls on the cheek. the violinist slightly winced. 

meanwhile, toshiya found himself smiling. if he was being honest, he thought it was all very entertaining, especially the more he learned. it was so _theatrical_ , like something coming out of a fantasy. he kept reminding himself that none of this should've been taken seriously anyway since he was dead, _and_ since he was a soul with the duty to watch and follow. 

none of it mattered as long as he just watched and followed. _right,_ he totally forgot the whole reason he was even here. 

"so..." toshiya started talking carefully, but then he realized how easily shinya could read him like an open book and decided to cut to the chase. "die is kinda counting on me to win you back." 

shinya glared at toshiya once again, but this time, toshiya could feel the coldness sting his mouth. _how does he do that?_

toshiya licked his lips and frowned as shinya responded. 

"it's interesting, die counting on a stranger so easily." shinya kept his eye contact. "usually he annoys me on his own, but now he has a little minion. he must be tired." 

die had been soul-less for almost a year, so of course he was exhausted. all he had been doing the whole day was lie in bed at a hotel they stayed at, while toshiya recharged himself, trying to figure out what he could and couldn't do as a soul. die ignored him when he had questions, as usual, and toshiya still respected him. he had to learn everything by himself. 

"well i kinda have to." toshiya coughed. a small cloud of cold breath spouted out. "i feel like he'd kill me if i don't." 

shinya scoffed. "i was going to say he wouldn't kill you for that...but he really would. _he'd do it regardless_. do you get what i'm saying?" 

"no." toshiya simply replied. it seemed like everyone was just letting toshiya learn without guidance and it frustrated him, especially if shinya was the one teasing him about it and sending him mixed signals. die convinced toshiya that he was different from other hearts, that he was more considerate towards souls and their well being, but shinya seemed to disagree. 

toshiya didn't like being confused. he knew he had to choose who to trust more but he didn't want to think about it at the moment. he pouted. "stop looking at me i'm freezing." 

shinya smiled timidly, then he turned away as clownface's microphone whined. 

"i didn't expect this battle to be so verbal." clownface sighed. "and it's not even an attack towards me! i'm sad." 

qaz and noc stopped talking and they simply glared at clownface. the audience giggled, as toshiya whispered to shinya again. 

"what do you think they were arguing about?" 

"knowing noc and qaz's relationship?" shinya hummed. "battle tactics masked in an argument. clownface is too stupidly confident to bother reading into anything." 

toshiya chuckled at the violinist's remark. _so much for being the brains of the pair._ he didn't know the fancy couple at all but he could bet dollface was much smarter than the clown. 

clownface stood up and spread his arms open. "would you like to share with the class? or can i join?" 

qaz walked in front of noc and pulled out a sword that was sheathed under his coat. the metal of the blade was so shiny it looked like it was glowing white. 

"qaz's angel sword." shinya commented. "doesn't do much." 

"compared to kaoru's? i bet." toshiya muttered, rubbing his neck. it still stung a little every time he thought about it. 

"...don't be so dramatic." shinya replied to toshiya sternly. he was fumbling with the furry end of his dress again and that's when toshiya noticed...very deep scars peeking right above shinya's knees. _hm_. before he could say anything about it, the discussion on the first floor continued. 

qaz pointed the sword at clownface. "i don't think the audience is looking for a talk." 

"you're right!" clownface exclaimed. then he reached inside his vinyl red coat. "let's give them the performance they deserve." 

toshiya expected him to have a sword too, but his weapon of choice was just as dramatic as he was. 

clownface immediately struck his arm down at his side and pulled out a metal whip the length of a python. as soon as the whip snapped at the ground, it caught on fire. 

toshiya instantly jumped back, even though they were nowhere near the fiery whip. the sight of fire made him extremely uncomfortable, it always had since he was younger. 

"what? you scared of fire?" shinya looked at toshiya curiously. the crowd was cheering for clownface's weapon reveal, they seemed to love it a little too much. 

"no." toshiya replied, subtly clawing at the sides of the leather ottoman he sat on. "it's just...not my favorite thing." 

he wasn't scared of much...but fire made him very nervous. _good things never come with fire._ maybe he was a little more intimidated by clownface now and hoped that he’d never have the chance to duel against him. 

"it's not my favorite either." shinya slowly nodded. his reply calmed toshiya down because of how sincere it sounded. it was a mutual understanding without an explanation needed. shinya's mood was more somber than usual, toshiya was shivering at this point because every word seemed to get under his skin, literally. 

the crowd settled down as clownface bowed at all sides of the building. 

qaz rolled his eyes. "the battle hasn't even started yet." 

"yet, they desire my victory already!" clownface instantly replied, then he cackled. "now where's my doll?" 

toshiya didn't even realize dollface wasn't by the clown's side the whole time. before he could even try to eye him on the first floor, he felt a hand rest on his shoulder. toshiya looked up to see dollface standing right beside him. the doll had a strangely blank expression on his face as he looked at toshiya and placed his finger up to his lips. then he winked at the tall boy, but despite his playfulness, toshiya didn't sense any emotion coming from the doll. he looked into his hazy eyes and felt empty. the soul he sat next to was sad as fuck, while the one looking down at him didn't even look real...it was disorienting. 

after dollface winked at toshiya, he simply hoisted himself onto the railing and stood there, balancing himself effortlessly. he waved like royalty, even though clownface's back was turned towards him. he made no sound at all and clown still turned around, sensing him immediately. 

"ah there you are, darling!" clownface placed his hand on his heart and looked up at dollface with such admiration on his face. "are you ready to dance?" 

dollface bowed to him from the railing, then to toshiya's surprise, he jumped off. there was no way a person could jump down the second floor without a broken bone, but once dollface jumped, it was like he was as light as a feather. he landed with a soft thud, kneeling on one knee as his dark blue lolita dress puffed up perfectly around him. clownface reached out to him and the doll took his hand and quietly stood up. toshiya wondered if he could jump that high too, he gave himself a mental note to try that out later. 

"let the show begin~" clownface smirked at qaz, speaking into the microphone one last time before cracking his whip against the floor. energetic classical music instantly started to play from the speakers. 

toshiya sat up to get a better view because he was fully invested now. he noticed as soon as the music started, both noc and dollface backed away from their hearts. doll began to skip away from clownface, circling around the edge of where the crowd was containing them, while noc kept his arms crossed and simply stood a few feet away from qaz like a bodyguard. toshiya was already aware that souls could only watch duels, just like shinya did at the train station. he thought it was ridiculous. 

"the doll's dancing." toshiya snickered. it was funny, considering the setting. 

"it's a tiring technique, but it works." shinya replied. "you heal your heart by doing that. all souls have a technique...well, except noc." 

toshiya was frustrated that die didn't tell him anything about that. it gave an explanation as to why shinya was playing the violin while kaoru and die were fighting. _what the fuck is mine then?_ toshiya guessed noc wouldn't have one since he didn't want to be the soul in the first place, but at the same time, he was still much stronger. the fantasy was becoming more stressful. 

clownface still had the mic to his mouth while he gripped his whip in his other hand. "sorry in advance for ruining the white." 

the clown raised his whip and struck down diagonally in qaz's direction. a loud sound of metal clanging against each other echoed the room as clown's whip hit qaz's sword and immediately retracted. qaz had his sword raised above his head, his reflexes were quick. 

"as if you could touch me." qaz replied loudly with confidence. 

"clown's a lousy fighter." shinya muttered, producing a small yawn. he wasn't amused at all and remained laidback on the couch. "he only relies on his range." 

clownface was practically dancing, twirling every time he struck the whip at qaz. sparks flew at every clash. 

"well i would too." toshiya scoffed. "how the hell is qaz even supposed to hit him?" 

just as toshiya asked, qaz blocked another attack from clownface. as soon as he did, he pulled his arm back and completely threw the angel sword at the clown. the sword flew straight into clownface's stomach, its point sticking out of his back. toshiya reacted with a yelp and he wasn't the only one who reacted, the whole building started cheering. 

the sword was pulled out of the clown's abdomen, as if by an invisible string, and it returned back into qaz's hand. 

toshiya caught himself grinning with excitement, until he noticed dollface in a fetal position on the other side. _fuck_ , he forgot about the whole point. 

clown was doubled over because of the impact, but he was heard giggling into the mic as blood dripped from his front and onto the marble floor. 

"not bad for a sheep." clownface taunted. "ya think killing me will finally make you a wolf, qaz?" 

someone started howling from the balcony, and toshiya didn't need to look around to realize it was kaoru who did it. everyone in the building started laughing, except for shinya who looked completely annoyed. 

"what an ironic insult towards a heart." shinya muttered. "they're all wolves." 

toshiya had his eyes back on dollface who was slowly getting up. there was no emotion in his face, but he could imagine how much it must have hurt. it was an attack he couldn't avoid. _we can't avoid the pain._

"...do you like being a soul, shinya?" toshiya asked quietly, watching dollface curtsy at the crowd. he started dancing around again as clownface whipped at qaz. 

"that's...not a question for me anymore." shinya mumbled. "there's no like or dislike. i just _am_ and i've accepted it a long time ago." 

he seemed exhausted when giving toshiya that answer. he must have been one of the first souls, toshiya guessed, especially with how much die always glorified him too. 

clownface managed to strike at qaz's face this time, causing noc to immediately put his hands over his face in agony. his yell was so painful, he roared like a lion. meanwhile, qaz simply looked up and glared at the clown. he had a huge gash on his face and bled all over his white attire. toshiya realized that neither of the hearts looked at their souls when they got hurt whatsoever. they just continued to fight. 

he wondered how rare it was for a heart to actually care about their soul, _is it so hard?_ _will this happen if die ever got into a fight?_ _would he care about me?_ toshiya thought about the day at the train station when shinya got shot, kaoru merely laughed. then toshiya thought about the scars all over shinya's legs... _how often does he hurt?_

he looked over at shinya and frowned. "what if you weren't a soul? would you want to be free...from kaoru?" 

the fangirls were narrating the whole fight to kaoru and all he did was chuckle with them, as if he was enjoying it like he could see it. it really was a performance to them. 

"i can't be free, toshiya. if i'm free, i'm dead." shinya scoffed. "and you'd be too. have you realized what die wants?" 

toshiya mumbled. "he wants to set you free." 

"no. he wants me to be with him. two very different things." shinya rolled his eyes. "being die's soul is _fucking miserable,_ i feel bad for you." 

toshiya widened his eyes. why didn't he realize this before? "you were...you were his soul?" 

"yeah, but in his eyes i was still _more_ than that.” shinya sighed. “souls...can't be two things at once." 

toshiya didn't realize how much that made sense, considering die's lack of explaining too. the redhead made the soul believe he actually had no clue how to break shinya apart from kaoru, as well. he knew, he just didn't want to tell toshiya that he wanted shinya back. _does he want to be with shinya again as his boyfriend or as his soul?_ and if shinya became die's soul again, then there would be no purpose of toshiya anymore. 

he was uncomfortable with this conversation now, realizing it wasn't a fantasy built around him. he continued to watch the first floor in silence. dollface was trying to get a good look at noc who still had his head in his hands. at first toshiya thought the doll was concerned for the taller soul, until the doll began dancing around him. _souls are dispensable, that's the mentality of most of the fuckers here_ , die had told toshiya. 

"he's a wolf. they all are." shinya reminded toshiya. "they're hunters and they'll always hunt until they're satisfied with their prey or until they're the strongest." 

the hunts are never in the soul's favor, they're just prey. toshiya turned to shinya again and looked into his eyes with sincere intentions in his mind. "but which one would you pick? out of the two wolves?" 

shinya's eye contact faltered. he had an uncertain look on his face but he didn't hesitate responding at all. "the one who hurts me the least." 

toshiya wasn't sure how to react to that response or to anyone's sadness at all. he was never one to sympathize or console because there was nobody to comfort, he was always lonely. he could feel shinya's pure sorrow freeze over him and he felt like he had to do something. he noticed shinya's hand clenching the end of his dress and he simply placed his own hand over it. _freezing. fucking. cold._

shinya didn't react at all. it was as if he didn't even notice toshiya touch him. they both looked down at the first floor as toshiya kept hold of the violinist's hand. it was better to end the conversation there, toshiya told himself. he'd figure out what to do later. 

the battle seemed evenly matched. qaz managed to get a few slashes all over his arms and legs, ripping his white clothes apart and drenching in blood. it was hard to tell if clownface was injured at all because his whole attire was red, but with the way he was moving he seemed perfectly fine. dollface must have been great at healing, since he was dancing the whole time. the more he danced, the faster his heart healed. 

the doll was prancing around noc the whole time, and noc looked angrier than usual. he eyed dollface so intensely, toshiya silently wished for dollface to leave him alone, but he didn't. then dollface stood in front of noc and started to mime at him in a mocking way. the people near them were laughing and it seemed to be the last straw for the taller soul, because as soon as the doll started pointing at him, silently laughing, noc grabbed dollface by the wrist and threw him straight into the floor. the action was so effortless because of how strong noc was and how light doll was. 

the attack shook the whole crowd, even shinya who let go of toshiya's hand to stand up. toshiya followed once he noticed noc punching dollface repeatedly in the face. everyone started to boo and yell curse words. noc breaking the rules by causing a fight of his own completely infuriated everyone. dollface didn't even try to protect himself, he laid still like an actual ragdoll. there was no blood but toshiya could practically feel the hits from where he was standing. 

the yelling caught the attention of qaz. he quickly turned around, dropping his guard completely. 

"NOC. WHAT THE FUCK-" 

the white knight didn't even get to finish scolding his soul before clownface struck again, his whip wrapping right around qaz's throat. the clown tugged at his whip, causing qaz to fly back and land hard on the floor. noc followed immediately like a puppet with invisible strings. he clawed at his own neck even though there was nothing wrapped around it. both qaz and noc were squirming all over the floor, one of them being held captive while the other was actually choking. 

clownface took this time to speak into the mic. "now this is what happens when ya don't do what you're told!" 

the boy in the striped suit pulled at his whip aggressively, and from across the room, noc's neck instantly snapped back and he laid on the floor lifeless. qaz was supposed to be the dead one, but noc was his second life, so he died instead. 

"poof!" clownface shouted. smoke started rising from noc's body until he completely caught on fire and vanished into thin air. 

the crowd cheered, while toshiya remained shocked. he was surprised to see someone die like that...it was a fantasy. _so that's going to happen when i get my second death_. he would just disappear as if he was never even real. 

clownface still had his whip wrapped around qaz's neck, and the fire from the weapon started to catch onto the white knight's clothes. qaz didn't even bother to put out the fire or even swing his arm to slash at clownface. once noc vanished, qaz's energy was depleted. 

"now normally, the show would end once the soul has been defeated, correct?" clownface grabbed qaz's angel sword from the boy's hand. "but i don't think we can trust qaz to find another soul who will obey him." 

qaz had his eyes closed, hyperventilating as he processed what clownface was saying. it seemed like his pain threshold was slowly returning because he groaned loudly. "i will! i swear, p-please just give me another chance..." 

clownface grinned and looked up to the second floor, specifically where kyo was. the bandaged boy was the only one sitting down out of everyone in the building. "what is the verdict, monsieur?" 

kyo slowly shook his head. a response so minimal, yet so dangerous. 

"to the inferno, it is!" clownface yelled with pure excitement as he raised qaz's sword high above his head and brought it down quickly, stabbing qaz in the chest. qaz didn’t even get the last word, he grasped his own sword as the glowing of the metal faded away. the whole building immediately roared. 

toshiya was still frozen, trying to recap everything that had just occurred. clownface and the doll took advantage of noc's temper and his hatred of being a soul; they used his presence against him. 

the white knight was burning to a crisp and he wasn't the only one lying on the floor. dollface was curled up into a ball a few feet across from him, shaking uncontrollably from all the injuries he had to endure for his heart’s victory. 

"they had a tactic this whole time." shinya sighed. he showed little pity since he’d seen many battles with the same bittersweet ending. "but to what cost?" 

it was torture, toshiya realized. the life of a soul, or more so the absence of it, was pure torture. he was beginning to think that this fantasy was harder to adapt to than he realized. it was no fun at all, but there was nothing he could do about it. 

everyone in the club started to evacuate. clownface walked over to his soul and squatted in front of him. the red rope appeared as he pulled on it to bring dollface up to him. doll was still shaking terribly but he still managed to sit up in front of his heart as they pressed their foreheads together. clownface caressed the doll's cheek and smiled. _such a minimal reward._

toshiya remained standing against the railing. he needed more time to calm down. 

shinya turned to him. "maybe you should rethink the little mission die wants you to do, considering how little you know about him and us...and everything else." 

the taller soul silently agreed. it was basically the moral of the night, toshiya didn’t know enough to do anything. the violinist stepped back from the railing and muttered one more thing. "prey can be smart too." 

then he walked away, joining the group of people laughing with kaoru as the blind boy boasted about how he knew clownface’s battle tactic the whole time. 

toshiya wanted to stay there until everyone had left, watching qaz's corpse burn to ashes in silence as if it was a mere bonfire. then a sense of dread washed over him for the second time that night and he could already guess why. he looked up to find the bandaged boy still sitting on his couch, alone. kyo wasn't looking at him, but he was looking down at qaz's burning body too. _what was it that made both of us intrigued at the same time?_

toshiya could answer that question for himself. even though the sight of fire triggered him, the thing that masked his discomfort was the death itself. he had never really seen someone die before, and it wasn't as scary as he thought—hell, he died two days ago and it wasn't scary either. he expected to be more mortified watching a stranger die, or technically two, but he felt nothing but fascination. 

and by looking at kyo, he could tell he was captivated by it too, even though the undertaker had probably seen many people die before, even killed. _was it really that serious?_ it was supposed to be. but toshiya knew that from now on, he was going to experience more of these type of nights, and he was okay with that. it was the pain that he didn't want to see more of, from anyone, especially souls. could it be helped though? he wanted to try. 

the smoke rising from qaz's body was like a veil dividing both the undertaker and the tall soul. when kyo looked up to make eye contact with toshiya again, the intense feeling wasn't there. the connection didn’t need to be there for them to know that there was something more to all of this. and for the first time, toshiya did not want to go anywhere near the bandaged boy for questions. he simply broke the eye contact and quickly walked away. 

maybe next time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GRRRRRR i hope this one was okay ... it’s a lot of exposition shoving so sorry if it’s confusing 😭i will clarify if any of you have questions though! and please comment what u think it would mean so so much! thanks for waiting <3 happy new year :)
> 
> twt: dirt_toshiya


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